Category: Insane Literary Experiments

Varitekian Sonnets

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Recently, a collection of sonnets in the Shakespearean form were submitted to this site for review. They were not solicited, and despite our multiple entreaties for him to stop, the submitter sent multiple versions multiple times, both electronically and via post, and often with poorly Photoshopped images suggesting poor moral character. The submitter left it unclear as to whether he wrote the sonnets himself, was submitting them on someone’s behalf, or had taken these sonnets without the author’s permission.

We here at Nerds On Sports have decided to make the most of these submissions and taken a critical eye toward them. This is the first of the whole collection, as well as the start of an introductory subset which the submitter referred to as the “recreation sonnets.”

Sonnet 1

No longer will the captain make his trek,
A walk of solace from home plate to mound:
To meditate on throws did Varitek –
Whence pitcher’s victims whiffed or cursed  aloud.

Four times opponents did score zeros twice1,
And Captain’s ‘rouse with applied glove to face2
The shame of  A-Rod! And new rings! – Quite nice,
Yet how I’ll miss your crouch behind home base.

O  Captain, hitting switch is but a tease.
Must you tell me how better it will get?3
There’s need to learn to catch, if you would please,
A happy player if we ever met.

No4 single, only a grand slam will do.
A  highly scoring game with love so true.

1 ie A no-hitter
2 An obvious reference to the July 24, 2004 game
4 A few versions of this sonnet had this as “Now” instead of “No,” possibly suggesting that part of it was written following Varitek’s divorce. However, the majority and most recent sonnet had it as is.

The sonnet follows the traditional form, with the first two quatrains establishing Jason Varitek as the hero, the “Captain,” the leader of the Red Sox who ultimately achieved their long-sought goal of winning the World Series. But by the end of the second quatrain, the sonnet moves away from the establishment of Varitek’s pietas and toward the author’s view of him.

The thematic turn, or volta, comes into full force at the beginning of the third quatrain, when the author entreats the hero for a closer relationship. While spelled out clearly in this quatrain and the couplet, this is hinted at throughout the poem, especially with the use of “rouse” in line six. Ostensibly, this is referring to Varitek rallying his teammates to overcome the Yankees and to evenutally lead the former into what would be an epic post-season. But this could also refer to getting the crowd excited for the game. Or for one fan in particular and in a very specific fashion, spelled out in the final couplet. Indeed, the remainder of the sonnets get exceedingly more graphic and are unpublishable for a family-oriented blog such as this.

Homer’s Youkissey Continued

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HomerThis is a continuation of Homer’s Youkissey

[44]Then the oft overlooked Mets replied “Father of all baseball, resident of New York, highest of all baseball teams, aye, verily that Red Sox lies low in a destruction that is their due; so too may any other also be destroyed who also be cursed (like the Cubs). But my heart is torn for wise Youkilis, hapless man, who far from his friends has long been suffering woes in a Rhode isle, where is the navel of Narragansett. It is a state of smallest representation*, and therein dwells a AAA team, daughter of the International League, who was born of 3 leagues — Eastern, New York, and Ontario, and holds tall the Governors’ Cup.

[55]This daughter it is that keeps back the sorrowing man; and ever with soft and hope-filled words she beguiles him that he may forget the majors. But Youkilis, after visiting the majors but sent back, yearns to return to his home, wants to quit baseball**. Yet you baseball teams take no heed of this. Did not Youkilis when in his debut hit a home run. Why then didst thou conceive such wrath against him, O lords of baseball?

[63]Then Selig, lap-dog of all owners, answered them: “My child, what a word has escaped the barrier of they teeth? How should I, then forget “god of walks”-like Youkilis, who is beyond all minor league mortals in consecutive games in which a player reached base, and has paid sacrifice to our Jewish god in Heaven? Nay, it is Bill Mueller, 2003 AL batting champion, who is blocking his advancement to the Bigs. Mueller, the double-grand slammer***, does not keep Youkilis in the minors forever. But come, let us who are here all take though of his return to the majors, that he may come home; and Mueller will retire, for he is on in age, and can not contend with youth.”

[80]Then the oft overlooked Mets answered him: “Father of all baseball, resident of New York, highest of all baseball teams, if indeed this is now well pleasing to the baseball gods, that wise Youkilis should return to the majors, let us send forth Joe Bick, the agent, his agent, to the isle Rhode, that with all speed he may sign a major league contract and the return of Youkilis of the steadfast eye, that he may come home. But, as for me, I will go to Queens, that I may the more entice Pedro Martinez, and free up some salary room for the Red Sox. I will guide him to New York, where he will receive tidings of his father****, if haply he may hear of it.”

*2 Congressmen & 2 Senators
**Probably not true
***I hope you remember that: from both sides of the plate.
****”Who’s your daddy?

Homer’s Youkissey

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Kevin Youkilis with a SwordNot to be outdone by Peiseresque‘s Epic of Gil (ga) Meche, I have started my own crazy epic poem: The Youkisy. This is both a response to Peiseresque and a submission of sorts to Red Sox Chick’s contest.

Homer’s Youkisey

[1]Tell me, O Selig, of the man of many devices, who wandered full many ways after he had sacked the sacred citadel of Lowell. Many were the men whose cities he saw and whose mind he learned, aye, and many the woes he suffered in his heart upon the majors, seeking to win his own life and the New York-Penn League Crown of his comrades. Yet even so he saved not his comrades, though he desired it sore, for through their own blind folly they perished–fools, who devoured the kine of New York Yankees; but he took from them a many of skills. Of these things, god, daughter of Marie Huber Selig, beginning where thou wilt, tell thou even unto us. Read More

The Epic of Gil (Ga) Meche: Tablet II

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Much of the writing on the tablets comprising this epic has been lost to the ravages of time, and the haphazard archaeological safeguards employed during the 1999 replacement of field-level seats didn’t help much either. Several translators have struggled for literally minutes to piece together the garbled text of Tablet II.

As the tale of Gil Meche progresses (Prologue, Tablet I), the people of Kansas City find themselves overjoyed by the great power shown them, and the pretty shocking level of control possessed by their new hero, formerly referred to in prehistoric traditions as a “shitheel.” Gil Meche’s friend, competitor, and protège “Greinke” begins to figure heavily in the story, falling in and out of favor.

A selection from the second Tablet follows. Earlier in this section, there’s a whole lot of stuff about laying with a prostitute. Many scholars believe this to represent the time that Gil Meche “bitch-smacked” the Tigers going 8 innings with 6 Ks, but dissenters translate “Pujols” a bit more literally.

Tablet II: Gil Meche Breaks Up The Festival

The scouts sat and discussed with one another. “We should fashion the rotation… Read More

The Epic of Gil (Ga) Meche: Tablet I.I

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Part the Second of an ongoing translation of a recently discovered Akkadian text.  The prologue can be found at this link.

Perhaps the most curious component of the tablets discovered under Kauffman stadium is their continued reference to (among other items): hot dogs, 12-6 curves, and Runelvys Hernandez, none of which are known to have existed in the ancient Fertile Crescent.

I.i: The Shepherd of Kansas City Read More

The Epic of Gil (Ga) Meche: Prologue or The Rime of The Former Mariner


A recent architectural expeditionStatue to the famed “Cool Crest Putting Diamond” of Kauffman Stadium (“right next to the Little K in right field”) discovered a little copper box containing a forgotten epic. Carbon dating revealed it to be “hella old,” but this assessment was quickly cast into doubt, as the “scientist” in charge of this research was revealed to be a fourteen-year -old hot dog seller.

What follows is a painstaking translation of this important, if highly, highly, dubious document, broken into small installments for accessibility and, well, it’s really long. Check back each Tuesday as Nerds on Sports brings you additional pieces of this most important scholarship.


He who has seen everything, I will make known to the lands.
I will teach about him who experienced all things…
Read More