Nerds on Sports Where nerds are talking about sports!

March 15, 2012

Varitekian Sonnets

Recently, a collection of sonnets in the Shakespearean form were submitted to this site for review. They were not solicited, and despite our multiple entreaties for him to stop, the submitter sent multiple versions multiple times, both electronically and via post, and often with poorly Photoshopped images suggesting poor moral character. The submitter left it unclear as to whether he wrote the sonnets himself, was submitting them on someone’s behalf, or had taken these sonnets without the author’s permission.

We here at Nerds On Sports have decided to make the most of these submissions and taken a critical eye toward them. This is the first of the whole collection, as well as the start of an introductory subset which the submitter referred to as the “recreation sonnets.”

Sonnet 1

No longer will the captain make his trek,
A walk of solace from home plate to mound:
To meditate on throws did Varitek –
Whence pitcher’s victims whiffed or cursed  aloud.

Four times opponents did score zeros twice1,
And Captain’s ‘rouse with applied glove to face2
The shame of  A-Rod! And new rings! – Quite nice,
Yet how I’ll miss your crouch behind home base.

O  Captain, hitting switch is but a tease.
Must you tell me how better it will get?3
There’s need to learn to catch, if you would please,
A happy player if we ever met.

No4 single, only a grand slam will do.
A  highly scoring game with love so true.

1 ie A no-hitter
2 An obvious reference to the July 24, 2004 game
3 http://youtu.be/TGcY_ip3w7g
4 A few versions of this sonnet had this as “Now” instead of “No,” possibly suggesting that part of it was written following Varitek’s divorce. However, the majority and most recent sonnet had it as is.

The sonnet follows the traditional form, with the first two quatrains establishing Jason Varitek as the hero, the “Captain,” the leader of the Red Sox who ultimately achieved their long-sought goal of winning the World Series. But by the end of the second quatrain, the sonnet moves away from the establishment of Varitek’s pietas and toward the author’s view of him.

The thematic turn, or volta, comes into full force at the beginning of the third quatrain, when the author entreats the hero for a closer relationship. While spelled out clearly in this quatrain and the couplet, this is hinted at throughout the poem, especially with the use of “rouse” in line six. Ostensibly, this is referring to Varitek rallying his teammates to overcome the Yankees and to evenutally lead the former into what would be an epic post-season. But this could also refer to getting the crowd excited for the game. Or for one fan in particular and in a very specific fashion, spelled out in the final couplet. Indeed, the remainder of the sonnets get exceedingly more graphic and are unpublishable for a family-oriented blog such as this.

March 25, 2008

“Liveblogging” “Opening Day”

Filed under: Baseball — Tags: , , , , — RJ @ 10:47 pm

ellsbury.jpgWith the Red Sox having their opening day over in Japan, I dutifully set my alarm clock for 5:50 AM so I could kickoff baseball season in style, i.e. in pajamas in the dark with the sound turned real low. Co-editor Willis had suggested trying to talk via interweb as the game was going on, but I’m not fancy enough to have a laptop. I did, however, keep notes throughout the whole affair, and am presenting them to you now.

The Night Before: In order to prepare waking up ass-early, I readied myself by going to bed around 10 (which would afford me an equal night’s sleep as usual). I made myself sleepy by drinking Guinness and warm milk, though not at the same time.

c. 2-5 AM: Weird dreams. I don’t really remember what they were about – something about replacement dinners? I dunno. Anyway, I do know that in more than one dream I said, “I have to leave so I can get up early and watch the game.” No, really.

5:50 AM: Snooze button.

5:57 AM: I trudge myself out of bed, make myself comfy on the couch and fiddle with the remote until I find NESN. I turn to the channel just as the Japanese national anthem is being played. Mildly disconcerting. And then the managers are given bouquets of flowers. I wonder how Joe Torre would react to a bouquet of flowers. Or Earl Weaver.

6:07 AM: I find it reassuring to hear the voices of Don Orsillo and Jerry Remy. I take a minute to wonder what would happen if Remy were lost in downtown Tokyo without a translator. Would he ever find his way home? It’s like a zen koan.

6:11 AM: Joe Blanton takes the mound. He is on my fantasy baseball league this year, but these Tokyo games don’t count toward anything in our league due in part to their peculiar scheduling.
So I have no feelings of ambivalence, but would rather not have a Red Sox defeat that crushes his soul. Or patella.

6:19 AM: A Mark Ellis HR. Oh, goody.

6:23 AM: Jack Cust is at bat. His presence makes me wonder if there are going to be any good Mitchell-report heckles this year. It is too early in the morning for me to think of any.

6:38 AM: Seeing a scruffy Jason Varitek reminds me that I’ve missed baseball oh so very much.

(more…)

June 14, 2007

Gameday Report: May 13, 2007/May 29, 2007

A month ago today, fellow blog conspirator Willis invited me to the Mother’s Day game at Fenway Park. I gladly accepted; in addition to the opportunity to watching the Sox play, I would get to watch players use pink bats and start rumors that those who used the regular bats were in favor of spreading cancer.

scoreboard.jpg

(more…)

March 30, 2007

O Captain, My Captain

Filed under: Baseball — Tags: , , , — RJ @ 12:24 am

Badass

Jason Varitek might be first in my heart, but he’s coming off an awful spring training. He batted a whopping .103 while in Florida, which included an 0-17 streak. One mustn’t extrapolate too much from this. He did, after all, hit as many home runs while there as Albert Pujols. But the next few months will be the test as to whether his work with batting coach Dave Magadan has done anything to halt the precipitous drop in power and offense he had last year.

But don’t worry. I still love you, JV. (more…)

March 26, 2007

Monsterleague Baseball Draft Day Breakdown

Ok, so even though peiseresque already mentioned this in brief, I thought I’d type up a brief list of notable draft picks for our own little league this past Sunday. I can’t give you all my thoughts – I’m still potential trading partners with the majority of this blog – but here are some thoughts I’d be willing to share with anybody.

#8 Matt Holliday, OF Colorado Rockies – Willis, San Dimas High School Baseball

I am still infuriated to an unfathomable degree that Willis made this pick before I could. This guy was around #30 in a lot of the mock drafts I saw going around, but because of the way our league is scored and the stats our league favors, he was going to make a great under the radar pick. Or so I though. Then again, since Willis and I have similar methodologies in picking players, I shouldn’t be too surprised. But still: fuck you Willis.

#39 Daisuke Matsuzaka, SP Boston Red Sox – peiseresque, East Village Unemployed Performance Artists

A week or so before the draft, I was talking to fellow league-member Brett about when the Red Sox’s brand new pitcher was going to be drafted. Given the amount of homerism in our league, my guess was that it would be Round 3, specifically by Charles and Diane’s team (who finished 13th last year). So I was slightly surprised that peiseresque was the one to pull the trigger. It’s a calculated risk – will he put up as good numbers as same-round draftees Bonderman and Zito?

#118 Jason Varitek, C Boston Red Sox – Greg F., BlueBombers2000

Every round, as a joke, I said I was drafting Tek as my homo homer pick. But even for me, Tek’s falling stats and power would not let me take him this early – 8th round. I couldn’t take him next round either – I had Jemaine Dye as a 9th round keeper – so I would’ve definitely picked him up in round 10. J.V. has been working on his offense during spring training, but whether that winds up in quantifiable results remains to be seen.

#143 Frank Thomas, DH Toronto Blue Jays – Brett, Radiant Arkham

I just find this pick amusing because Bobby had him last year and during the offseason was trying to unload him for some draft picks. He went in Round 19 last year, and Bobby had originally posted on the league board that was he looking for Round 10. I thought that was unreasonably high (indeed, Bobby later said that this was a typo; it should have said “Round 10s”), but even when it was dropped to Round 20 he got no takers. Regardless, the Bobby trade would in effect have cost two draft picks (Round 18 and whatever round that would’ve been given to Bobby); the question is whether Brett got an advantage in taking him in Round 9. He’s still a huge injury risk in my book, but he puts up very nice numbers while active.

#176 Roger Clemens, SP unsigned – Mike L., The REAL Comptrollers

Heh. Will he or won’t he this year? Angry Ed made a killing by signing Roger in Round 8 last year. Will Mike have the same luck? I have no insight into Roger’s ego, so who knows?

#213 Dan Wheeler, RP Houston Astros – RJ, Homerun-Hitting Honeymooning Homos

The RP position was really shallow this year, and by the time I decided to draft my second reliever I was stuck with the Astros setup man. The guy has an amazing OBA and ERA, and during spring training posted much better numbers than Lidge. So long as he keeps his numbers, he should suffice. Because the alternative could be:

#251 Seth McClung, RP Tampa Bay Devil Rays – Serp, The Somerville Crooners

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

#258 Kyle Farnsworth, RP New York Yankees – Angry Ed, Angry Miserable Fucks

I really love Ed’s team concept – all “angry” players. And what better player for that team than the guy who wound up on the DL after kicking an electrical fan?

And finally, my favorite out of all of my picks:

#300 David Wells, SP San Diego Padres – RJ, Homerun-Hitting Honeymooning Homos

The man formerly known as Beer Truck is now known as DIABEETUS.

That’s all, folks! It’s gonna be a long, awesome baseball season!

Powered by WordPress

%d bloggers like this: