N. Y. C.-bow

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“Let me be really clear about this, we work for the fans and the fans want us to win games, so all of the decisions we make regarding the team are just for football. It’s hard to predict other things. If you get confused in term of what your mission is, you’re not going to accomplish your mission. And our mission is to win games pure and simple. We think that Tim Tebow has been a winner all his life.”

-Woody Johnson


Tim Tebow’s been out and about – aggressively so, and probably not entirely without some coaching  – in New York City and environs over the past few days. He’s been to Broadway shows.  He’s had a sandwich named after him. There’s a crazy (alleged) love triangle happening. He probably hasn’t been to Rick’s Cabaret yet (but not for Rick’s lack of trying). There’s some kind of press event today, and there’s an underpants billboard up in New Jersey already.

In other words, it’s some kind of mania out there.  Potentially even a mania with a clever nickname, and not a second too soon as Linsanity seems to have run its course.

Now, I don’t profess to be a football expert, or an expert on how celebrities should conduct themselves in public, but I do consider myself an expert in the ways of being a New Yorker.  Not a stupid New Yorker, mind you.  But as an unofficial, uninvited, likely unwelcome ambassador for my city I always try to play nice with newcomers and tourists, so they don’t go back to their one-horse towns and prattle on about how “All the stereotypes are true” and “New York is so dirty and full of assholes” and also “Seriously there was a man defecating on the orange line platform at 14th Street.”

Wait, where was I?  Oh, right, Tebow. Alright, I’ll give a few brief tips.

So, Tim.  Welcome to New York.  I understand you like Jesus – you might get a kick out of the folks handing out Chick tracts by the train tracks on the Times Square-Port Authority tunnel.  Also, those guys offering “stress tests” in the same immediate vicinity are totally legit.

But odds are, you’re not riding the subway much. Which is a shame, because there’s really no better way to experience New York.  Or have a captive audience for your loud, crazy diatribe about your religious beliefs.

(Like So.)

So, above-ground fun. First, you’ll want to check out Hunts Point in the Bronx. Hey, if Jesus could be BFF with a hooker, why not you? Then, forget the Carnegie Deli, go have a decent Kosher nosh – after all, J.H.C. was a member of the tribe, and you should experience the native cuisine already. Finally, even though you don’t drink, start drinking because seriously, and go turn some wine into water at ‘inoteca.  Boom! Perfect little Saturday.

In all sincerity, though, the best way to experience New York is to get out there and try new and exciting things.  Have fun out there.  And remember, nobody will ever remember your failures on or off the field.

On second thought, maybe stick with that not-drinking thing.