Much of the writing on the tablets comprising this epic has been lost to the ravages of time, and the haphazard archaeological safeguards employed during the 1999 replacement of field-level seats didn’t help much either. Several translators have struggled for literally minutes to piece together the garbled text of Tablet II.
As the tale of Gil Meche progresses (Prologue, Tablet I), the people of Kansas City find themselves overjoyed by the great power shown them, and the pretty shocking level of control possessed by their new hero, formerly referred to in prehistoric traditions as a “shitheel.” Gil Meche’s friend, competitor, and protÃ¨ge “Greinke” begins to figure heavily in the story, falling in and out of favor.
A selection from the second Tablet follows. Earlier in this section, there’s a whole lot of stuff about laying with a prostitute. Many scholars believe this to represent the time that Gil Meche “bitch-smacked” the Tigers going 8 innings with 6 Ks, but dissenters translate “Pujols” a bit more literally.
Tablet II: Gil Meche Breaks Up The Festival
The scouts sat and discussed with one another. “We should fashion the rotation… The bullpen should be one talent in weight* … The bats should be one talent… Their gloves one talent, their gloves …”
Gil Meche said to the men of KC: “Listen to me, men… You, men of coaching, who know the game… I want to make myself more mighty, and will go on full rest! I will face batting such as I have never known, I will set out on a road I have never traveled! Give me your blessings! … I will enter the cool blue gate of Kauffman… I will devote myself to the No Hitter’s Festival.** I will perform! The Festival will not take place, celebrations … They will keep shouting ‘Hurrah!’ in Kansas City!”
Greinke spoke to the Elder: “Buddy Bell, say to him that he must not go to the Pine (Tar) Forest– the journey is not to be made! Thome… The Guardian of the Plate…”
The Noble Counselor of Kansas City arose and delivered their advice to Gil Meche: “You are young, Gil Meche, your heart carries you off, you do not know what you are talking about! Sure, you’ve got a 2.22 ERA, but Thome’s roar is a Flood, his mouth is Fire, his bat Death! He can see a ball curving into his wheelhouse 100 leagues away! Who would go down into his strikezone! Who among even the (Cy) Young gods can confront him? In order to keep the AL Central safe, Se-Lig assigned him as a terror to human beings.”
Gil Meche listened to the statement of his Noble Manager.
*- Interestingly, this phrase can also be translated as “Devoid of Jose Lima.”
**- Thought to predict the epic battle of Gil Meche and a figure named “Buehrle” (translated from the Phoenician: “he who, much like Gil Meche, has precious little business throwing a no-no”).
(Apologies to those who’ve been waiting for this now very overdue chapter; the chief translator is attempting to finish his academic career.)