Much of the writing on the tablets comprising this epic has been lost to the ravages of time, and the haphazard archaeological safeguards employed during the 1999 replacement of field-level seats didn’t help much either. Several translators have struggled for literally minutes to piece together the garbled text of Tablet II.

As the tale of Gil Meche progresses (Prologue, Tablet I), the people of Kansas City find themselves overjoyed by the great power shown them, and the pretty shocking level of control possessed by their new hero, formerly referred to in prehistoric traditions as a “shitheel.” Gil Meche’s friend, competitor, and protège “Greinke” begins to figure heavily in the story, falling in and out of favor.

A selection from the second Tablet follows. Earlier in this section, there’s a whole lot of stuff about laying with a prostitute. Many scholars believe this to represent the time that Gil Meche “bitch-smacked” the Tigers going 8 innings with 6 Ks, but dissenters translate “Pujols” a bit more literally.

Tablet II: Gil Meche Breaks Up The Festival

The scouts sat and discussed with one another. “We should fashion the rotation… Read More

Part the Second of an ongoing translation of a recently discovered Akkadian text.  The prologue can be found at this link.

Perhaps the most curious component of the tablets discovered under Kauffman stadium is their continued reference to (among other items): hot dogs, 12-6 curves, and Runelvys Hernandez, none of which are known to have existed in the ancient Fertile Crescent.

I.i: The Shepherd of Kansas City Read More