Tag: Insane Literary Experiments

Getting a Good Look at a T-Bone


It’s hard out there for a sports-blogger, especially ones like us who work only occasionally and try not to work blue. ????? ??????? So for the first time ever, a little “behind-the-scenes” up the butcher’s ass at NerdsOnSports, via gchat between myself and Will. I think I’m pretty much right; there isn’t a single angle on Ookie Mexico that I can come up with which hasn’t been covered by someone already. ??? ???? Except that time he got serious about dolphin-safe tuna…

Anyway, two boring nerds talking ahoy:

12:03 AM Will: I’m supposed to write something for wednesday

my mind is blank

12:06 AM me: you’re better off than me

i’ve been sooo unable to come up with anything

i’m trying to compare wacky japanese USB products to fantasy football picks but…

12:07 AM well…

that’s insane.

Will: yes

me: and it doesn’t work, quite frankly

Will: I believe you could continue your epic

or talk about a game with 30 runs

me: true

12:08 AM “lo, gil meche did commence sucking a fat one right around the all star break”

33 runs, if you add them both together

12:09 AM Will: right

only 6 of them charged to my pitcher

me: wait til next year, GM.

12:10 AM either way: not much else to cover

seems that the problem is blanket coverage


me: and that proves my point

everything that could be written has been written

well, not EVERYTHING

12:11 AM but we’re getting there

We needed a Wednesday update you say?

12:12 AM Will: well, my day is wednesday

me: we’ll call it collabo then

Oh, and hey, Starbury? Don’t ever, ever open your mouth again. You dumb bastard. Nobody asked you, don’t volunteer it. ???? ????? Matter of fact, that goes for everyone. Quit forgetting the lesson of Bad Dudes: “Never Trouble Trouble ‘Til Trouble Troubles You.”

The Epic of Gil (Ga) Meche: Tablet II

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Much of the writing on the tablets comprising this epic has been lost to the ravages of time, and the haphazard archaeological safeguards employed during the 1999 replacement of field-level seats didn’t help much either. Several translators have struggled for literally minutes to piece together the garbled text of Tablet II.

As the tale of Gil Meche progresses (Prologue, Tablet I), the people of Kansas City find themselves overjoyed by the great power shown them, and the pretty shocking level of control possessed by their new hero, formerly referred to in prehistoric traditions as a “shitheel.” Gil Meche’s friend, competitor, and protège “Greinke” begins to figure heavily in the story, falling in and out of favor.

A selection from the second Tablet follows. Earlier in this section, there’s a whole lot of stuff about laying with a prostitute. Many scholars believe this to represent the time that Gil Meche “bitch-smacked” the Tigers going 8 innings with 6 Ks, but dissenters translate “Pujols” a bit more literally.

Tablet II: Gil Meche Breaks Up The Festival

The scouts sat and discussed with one another. “We should fashion the rotation… Read More

The Epic of Gil (Ga) Meche: Tablet I.I

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Part the Second of an ongoing translation of a recently discovered Akkadian text.  The prologue can be found at this link.

Perhaps the most curious component of the tablets discovered under Kauffman stadium is their continued reference to (among other items): hot dogs, 12-6 curves, and Runelvys Hernandez, none of which are known to have existed in the ancient Fertile Crescent.

I.i: The Shepherd of Kansas City Read More

The Epic of Gil (Ga) Meche: Prologue or The Rime of The Former Mariner


A recent architectural expeditionStatue to the famed “Cool Crest Putting Diamond” of Kauffman Stadium (“right next to the Little K in right field”) discovered a little copper box containing a forgotten epic. Carbon dating revealed it to be “hella old,” but this assessment was quickly cast into doubt, as the “scientist” in charge of this research was revealed to be a fourteen-year -old hot dog seller.

What follows is a painstaking translation of this important, if highly, highly, dubious document, broken into small installments for accessibility and, well, it’s really long. ?????? ??? ???????? Check back each Tuesday as Nerds on Sports brings you additional pieces of this most important scholarship.


He who has seen everything, I will make known to the lands.
I will teach about him who experienced all things…
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