Reporting live on scene from the city that never sleeps and only showers on rare occasion.
Much of the writing on the tablets comprising this epic has been lost to the ravages of time, and the haphazard archaeological safeguards employed during the 1999 replacement of field-level seats didn’t help much either. Several translators have struggled for literally minutes to piece together the garbled text of Tablet II.
As the tale of Gil Meche progresses (Prologue, Tablet I), the people of Kansas City find themselves overjoyed by the great power shown them, and the pretty shocking level of control possessed by their new hero, formerly referred to in prehistoric traditions as a “shitheel.” Gil Meche’s friend, competitor, and protÃ¨ge “Greinke” begins to figure heavily in the story, falling in and out of favor.
A selection from the second Tablet follows. Earlier in this section, there’s a whole lot of stuff about laying with a prostitute. Many scholars believe this to represent the time that Gil Meche “bitch-smacked” the Tigers going 8 innings with 6 Ks, but dissenters translate “Pujols” a bit more literally.
Tablet II: Gil Meche Breaks Up The Festival
The scouts sat and discussed with one another. “We should fashion the rotation… Read More
This being Easter, well, call me the Easter Bunny ’cause I’ve got a little present for you: a bit of wisdom!
Don’t change that channel.
If you already missed most of the game, just let it slide. Odds are, you’re not going to be pleased with the outcome– either you missed the good stuff, or the implosion happens as soon as you tune in. Anytime you flip to the game in the late stages, you’re: better off on the one hand waiting for “Sportscenter;” or on the other just plain not bothering. When you start watching late, you’re bound to be pissed. You missed the rally, or you tuned in for the loss.
Invariably, when I tune in for the late stages of any contest, I’m inviting disappointment. Case in point: tonight, BC vs. Michigan State for the NCAA Hockey championship. My father calls me and asks, innocently enough, “Are you watching? This is a great game!” Read More
Part the Second of an ongoing translation of a recently discovered Akkadian text.Â The prologue can be found at this link.
Perhaps the most curious component of the tablets discovered under Kauffman stadium is their continued reference to (among other items): hot dogs, 12-6 curves, and Runelvys Hernandez, none of which are known to have existed in the ancient Fertile Crescent.
I.i: The Shepherd of Kansas City Read More
A recent architectural expedition to the famed “Cool Crest Putting Diamond” of Kauffman Stadium (“right next to the Little K in right field”) discovered a little copper box containing a forgotten epic. Carbon dating revealed it to be “hella old,” but this assessment was quickly cast into doubt, as the “scientist” in charge of this research was revealed to be a fourteen-year -old hot dog seller.
What follows is a painstaking translation of this important, if highly, highly, dubious document, broken into small installments for accessibility and, well, it’s really long. Check back each Tuesday as Nerds on Sports brings you additional pieces of this most important scholarship.
THE EPIC OF GIL MECHE
He who has seen everything, I will make known to the lands.
I will teach about him who experienced all things…
But, it’s been done elsewhere and better. So instead, I’ll talk about my weekend. I would have posted on Friday, but I was prevented, for this past Friday found me driving the 6 hours (which became 9 thanks to the Capital Beltway) to Charlottesville, VA for the annual Virginia Law Softball Invitational. 112 teams of law students, each with 10+ members, playing softball with varying degrees of skill, drinking with wildly varying degrees of ability, and just generally being stupid. It’s the ultimate confluence of nerds and sports.
I’m a terrible
gambler sports prognosticator. As mentioned previously, we do this little fantasy baseball league, and I’m solid middle of the road year-in, year-out. So it should hardly be surprising that my lack of picking prowess translates into other, equally venerable sports betting guessing arenas.
I entered an NCAA pool this year, giving in to that yearly sisyphean impulse. Imagine my dismay when I saw that Georgetown (and the combo of Patrick Ewing Jr. and John Thompson XV/V) and BC would meet in the second round! (If it helps the imagination, the most dismay I could experience was about five bucks’ worth.) What to do? Logically, I couldn’t pick BC over a bigger, more consistent Hoyas team with a fierce basketball pedigree… but if a team were to eliminate our Eagles, clearly I should pick them to win out. Read More
…would be Corey C. Hart, possible outfielder for the Milwaukee Brewers and probable disguise of the most phenomenal 80’s sunglass wearer ever. The fact that this guy is involved in about half the trades in our league each year (there are not a lot of trades) makes me smile on a semi-monthly basis.
But a close second would be expending a measly 22nd round pick for a violent sociopath who happens to swing a mean bat. Travis Lee decided to hang up his squiggly hat, and Nick Johnson (oh, wait, wrong one– try this link)isn’t gonna be back for a while… so, Nationals fans, guess who’s your opening day first baseman? Yep, it’s the career leader in domestic violence warrants, Dmitri Young!
At the end of last season, it looked like the end of the road for the increasingly unhinged Dmitri. But now that lil’ brudder Delmon’s in the majors, Dmitri’s got a reason to persevere. He’s a driver, he’s a winner, things are gonna change he can feel it, and I am going to run right the hell away with the fantasy crown this year on those supple, cornrowed shoulders.