Tag: he seriously sued Napoleon

“Car 54, Where Are You?”

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He’s back at it again. To be sure, he never stopped. Jonathan Lee Riches, the “Litigator Crusader,” f/k/a “the White Suge Knight,” d/b/a “Secured Party” will not be denied:

Plaintiff compels this court to issue an injunction against Jeff Gordon and stop him from: Sticking my head in his exhaust pipe, wife swapping with Jimmie Johnson, picking on kids with big wheels and go carts, driving off without paying at Sunoco stations.

I’m pretty sure this is just becoming how he reacts to something he’s not happy about in the Williamsburg Federal Correctional Institution. Somebody’s watching TV and the volume’s too high? Sue the TV set. Awoken by a tire screech? Sue Jeff Gordon. Riches is (perhaps I’m overreaching here) fairly smart about it, however; he keeps changing venue, thus potentially avoiding some sanctions, not pissing off the same clerk twice, and diversifying the pool of courtroom beat reporters who might pick him up for the mainstream press.

It seems to me that this suit was, measured from filing, the fastest to hit a major media outlet. When I want press, I’ll talk about NASCAR. But I’m gonna try to avoid being “baseless, fantastic and delusional.”

Mozart’s Next Hit Single

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Jonathan Lee Riches© “Secured Party” D/B/A “The White Suge Knight”
Plaintiff
vs.
Barry Bonds, Allan H. “Bud” Selig, Hank Aaron’s Bat
DefendantsComplaint
“FRAUD AGAINST MANKIND” “BATMAN AND IDENTITY ROBBIN”

Now Barry Bonds conducts his illicit business at an I-70 Steak and Shake. Jonathan Lee Riches© RIDES AGAIN! I wish I had more to say, but this really stands on its own. Hopefully, this will bring down Bonds, Selig, Novak, Hank Aaron’s bat, and those wily nuns.

I do have one question: why did Barry Bonds open his “steroid house” in South Bend? And how did this not implicate any Notre Dame football players? We’ll turn on the investigative journalism flashlight over at Touchdown Jesus’s place and get back to you, dear reader, with the hard-fought truth. It’s out there; Jonathan Lee Riches© isn’t the only one who can ferret it out.

Onwards to Vick-tory!

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Jonathan Lee Riches is my new hero. Oh, wait, sorry, I meant Jonathan Lee Riches©. Nothing warms my heart like a seriously disturbed pro se litigant suing a dog-fighting, herpes-passing, ganja-toting NFL player in federal court.

He’s done what none of us non-Federal-inmates have had the stones to do, and sued Michael Vick. The allegations seem to ‘focus’ -if that word is even close to appropriate- on Vick’s penchant for stealing this guy’s dogs and “using his copyrights.” This last the nefarious Vick accomplished by “selling T-shirts, Jonathan Lee Riches mugs.” Funny, I didn’t know Vick used another alias.  Mr Riches© seeks 63 BILLION dollars in damages.  I mean, the poor QB’s already got PETA, the FBI, the IRS, the NFL, and I think Baskin-Robbins gunning for him; does he need to get hit with a crazy suit right now?  (Yes, of course it will be tossed from court; Michael Vick is not a federal agent open to a Bivens action… at least, I don’t think he is.)

Nutty lawsuits, even those handwritten from prison but dressed in the expected formalities, are nothing new. But there’s something special about this guy; this isn’t the first time he’s done this.  Jonathan Lee Riches is the Mozart of deranged lawsuits. There’s Riches v. Bush et al., a suit filed last year in the Eastern District of Pennsylvania which named Chris Berman, Green Bay’s Lambeau Field, the Ming Dynasty, eBay, and the Statue of Liberty as defendants. Also Malcom X, Vanna White, and Michelangelo. And Waffle House. Also the Hubble Telescope, Expedia, and Emeka Okafor.  Depositions must have been a gas- gotta feel for the paralegal who was dispatched to find Jimmy Hoffa.

I can’t say he’s entirely in the wrong. He did sue the drafters of the Uniform Commercial Code.  Can’t wait to see what he does next.

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