A Post Yankopalyptic Future
Given the loss of Darrell Rasner, Phil Hughes, Jeff Karstens and Carl Pavano, and the shaky status of Chien-Ming Wang and Mike Mussina, the New York Yanquis are clearly under a curse of some type.
With the aid of my junior Tarot deck, I’m going to divine the fate of the rest of the Yankees’ roster.
Brian Bruney (#33): Pitches a breaking slider to Mike Lowell. Lowell gets all of it with a fat swing, driving the ball right into Bruney’s chest. A baseball-sized chunk of flesh exits Bruney’s back. Out for nine weeks.
Tyler Clippard (#19): Texting animatedly to Fox News’s online poll to express his rabid support for maverick Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul, he rear-ends a school bus, igniting his car. Out for season.
Matt DeSalvo (#14): Hantavirus. Misses next start.
Kyle Farnsworth (#48): Raises his hand to call over a waiter while “David Cornwell” is being paged at Sapa. Is mistaken for double agent by spies as a result. Kidnapped at gunpoint, interrogated at Westchester County mansion, framed for murder of U.N. delegate, boards train, romances Eve Marie-Saint. Out for four weeks.
Mike Mussina (#35): Liquid-metal robot returns from the future, kills twelve-year-old Jeff Maier during Game 1 of the 1996 ALCS. Orioles go on to sweep Yankees, with Mussina pitching a no-hitter in Game 3. Mussina retires in 2001 rather than sign with New York. Does not exist as Yankee due to temporal anomaly.
Mike Myers (#36): Ironically, marries an axe murderer. Out for season (dead).
Andy Pettitte (#46): Kidnapped by Canadian scientists; has super-alloy adamantium bonded to his skeleton. Out for season (X-Man).
Scott Proctor (#43): He’s fine.
Mariano Rivera (#42): Benched by team physician for low midichlorian count. Takes up with Corellian heavy freighter in the off-season. Romantically linked to Alderaan royalty. Out for season.
Ron Villone (#47): Called up from the minors. Gets into drinking contest with Don Zimmer when the Yanks play Tampa Bay. Daunted by the doughy coach’s cast-iron gullet, he swaps the Zim’s next shot of Absolut for paint thinner. In a moment of hilarious confusion involving Derek Jeter and a drunken donkey, the shots are accidentally mixed up. Villone unwittingly poisons himself. Torre insists he close out the next game anyway, shaking his head tersely as Villone vomits up his stomach lining on the mound at Tropicana Field. “Sweet mother of motown!” exclaims Jon Miller from the booth. Out for six weeks.
Luis Vizcaino (#52): Pulls his hamstring. Out for three weeks.
Chien-Ming Wang (#40): Brings Jack Bauer’s estranged girlfriend into the country to leverage him into snealing bomb component that will cripple Russian defense network. Relies on Bauer’s nefarious father to repair the component. Betrayed by all parties, critically injured in fire, taken into “temporary custody.” Out for twenty-four hours, one primetime season or nine months, whichever comes first.