Given the loss of Darrell Rasner, Phil Hughes, Jeff Karstens and Carl Pavano, and the shaky status of Chien-Ming Wang and Mike Mussina, the New York Yanquis are clearly under a curse of some type.
With the aid of my junior Tarot deck, I’m going to divine the fate of the rest of the Yankees’ roster.
Brian Bruney (#33): Pitches a breaking slider to Mike Lowell. Lowell gets all of it with a fat swing, driving the ball right into Bruney’s chest. A baseball-sized chunk of flesh exits Bruney’s back. Out for nine weeks.
Tyler Clippard (#19): Texting animatedly to Fox News’s online poll to express his rabid support for maverick Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul, he rear-ends a school bus, igniting his car. Out for season.
Matt DeSalvo (#14): Hantavirus. Misses next start.
Kyle Farnsworth (#48): Raises his hand to call over a waiter while “David Cornwell” is being paged at Sapa. Is mistaken for double agent by spies as a result. Kidnapped at gunpoint, interrogated at Westchester County mansion, framed for murder of U.N. delegate, boards train, romances Eve Marie-Saint. Out for four weeks.