I’d Rather Not Go On Vacation

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Dear New York Yankee Player,

Our hearts go out to you after your untimely defeat in the American League Divisional Series. (If it were up to us, we’d bring DDT back to get rid of those bugs!) We here at the Yankee front office counted on an invincible romp to the 27th world championship, but also made contingency plans as well in the unlikely event of your defeat. (When A-Rod went deep in Game 4 we swear we saw the bases loaded!)

Since many of your leases don’t run out until November 1, the office put together a list of “fun finds” and “attractive attractions” for you during the month. October is the most beautiful time of year in the Big Apple — not that you guys would need to know! (We’re having a parade for you anyway, right in a portion of the Lincoln Tunnel!) So while you lie in bed, waiting for the season to end, here’s a guide to the City That Never Sleeps!

Today’s Yankee Activity: Moping
It’s going to be a long day thinking about that Indian bullpen and all those double plays. Nothing will be able to console you, not replaying the game in your mind, not your wives and families, not even screaming “Throw a strike, Wang, throw a damned strike!” in a Beveldere vodka induced manic haze. So why beat yourself up? Go to an Upper East Side day spa and let them do it for you! The $300 90 minute Ultimate Anti-Aging Facial is a must in lifting wrinkles right off your face! We hear the manager’s going tomorrow because he’s tired of clubhouseSad Joe Torre attendants calling him “Joey the Pug”.

Since you’ve loosen up the body, why not the mind? A refreshing walk in Central Park will direct your thoughts away from abject failure with the biggest payroll in baseball and instead towards the nature of the soul or the pervasive stench of urine. Enjoy a relaxing carriage ride with brand new rider Mike Mussina! (Uh oh, if The Boss can remember your name, you’re gonna be in trouble this week!) Sit down and listen to some great acoustic jams in Strawberry Fields: “I’m A Loser”, “A Hard Day’s Night”, and many more! Brian Cashman, “Imagine” and “Happiness Is A Warm Gun” go out to you! Nothing says happy ending quite like John LennonJohn Lennon!

For dinner, avoid top dollar. Sure, one of the more glitzy Manhattan eateries seems like a good choice, but who wants to be spotted and have to duck bottles from angry fans? No, it’s best to avoid interviews in a lower-key environment. We recommend Bennignan’s for first-rate food’n’fun! Bennigan’s No reservations needed. The cranberry-sauteed steak tips with foccacia fries and lime-fudge shooters are a must. Peter King describes them “a big pile of delicious”. Who are you to argue? Plus, with 13 bar Tvs, at least one will be on the Weather Channel or an old Maude episode or something to avoid reminding you your losses cost Phil Rizzuto admittance to Heaven.

Finally, a nightcap. Even a relaxing day like this one can be a bit exhausting. Head home and take comfort. Sure, you let down your fans, and your city. Cleveland will move on to face Boston, which may be intolerable for your system. It’s not going to be easy. But perk up and grab that little sliver of paper. Enclosed in your “Good Try Funpack” is a slip of paper bearing a name and number. Time to childishly prank call a New York Met. At least you earned the right to be humiliated. Chin up, little Yankee that could, and wait ‘til next year.