Watching the Patriots deconstruct the Cowboys in the second half last night got me thinking about Plato played fullback at the Academythe perfect football team.  Not that I’m saying that the Pats are perfect, mind you, but just that they reflect in some small way the concept of football perfection.  They can run (even without their top two running backs), pass, stop the run and stop the pass.  They’re as close as we can get to the Platonic Ideal of A Football Team.  There are checks and balances in place to prevent this kind of domination from happening, yet here it is happening.  We should pay attention, folks, because the Gods of Sport have graced us with what may be the best football team we will ever see.  They execute in every facet of the game better than their opponents.  They aren’t perfect, but they remind me very much of perfection.

So what would make the perfect team?  I mean, a truly perfect team?  We as fans know what we want out of every position – a quarterback that could make every throw, an offensive line that is unbeatable in the trenches, cornerbacks whose mere stare could alter the course of a pass.  That part is easy.  It’s the little things that are trickier to nail down.  What would the team be called?  What kind of stadium would they play in?  What do their uniforms look like?  Let’s take care of them, because those too aren’t too complicated.  The perfect team name already exists – the Titans.  Mighty gods of the Golden Age.  That’s the perfect name, as they are mostly invincible and fairly tall.  The stadium would be open air, easy to access by major highways and mass transit, and seat about 80,000.  Think the new Dallas Cowboys stadium, only somewhere colder – the perfect football game takes place when the temperature is 55 degrees.  The perfect uniforms are certainly a topic that could be debated, but I’m going to end all debate by saying that the Denver Broncos are already sporting the best uniforms in all of sports.  Just palette swap black for blue and gold for orange and you’re all set.  The perfect team would wear black.

Ok, that’s all the peripheral stuff. The real trick are the player names.  You want every position to be manned by someone with a moniker that perfectly fits his job.  Outwardly, this would seem tricky.  There are an infinite number of names to choose from, and it would be nearly impossible to narrow it down.  Thankfully, I have already done it:

Quarterback – The Field General should have a name reminiscent of a Wild West gunslinger.  You want your offense to be led by a guy that sounds like he ought to be robbing a stagecoach.  Case in point, I’m fairly certain the University of Texas recruited Colt McCoy just because they expected him to show up with a badge and a pair of ivory handled revolvers.

Running Back – Control the ground and you control the game.  If the football team is a body, the running back is a vital organ.  As such, he should be named after one.

Fullback – He’s a workman and his name must reflect that.  Give him the surname of an outdated profession and you’re all set.

Wide Receivers – The perfect formula is as follows: a first name that could be modified into a speedy-sounding nickname, and the last name of a Southern city.  Combine them and, bam, the perfect wideout.

Tight End – His name should sound like that of a high school shop teacher.  Look at the best tight ends in league history.  You’ll see I’m right.

Offensive Line – The Big Uglies win the war in the trenches, and you want to make sure that when their opponents look at the roster, they realize that a pass rush will be futile.  The best way to do that is with an All American first name and a surname of some sort of hearty food.  You will not be sorry.

The Defense – To achieve name perfection, here’s what you need to do on the defensive side of the ball.  Your D-tackles should have the first names of Roman Legionnaires and a single syllable last name.  Defensive ends must have extremely pleasant sounding last names (hey, I don’t make the rules).  Linebackers should have as many u’s and z’s as possible.  Safeties are named after old sailing ships.  Cornerbacks need to have names that sound like their parents wanted them to be cornerbacks, and embellished as much as possible on the birth certificate.

Pretty straight-forward.  So, with no further ado, I give you the Olympia Titans.

Offense:

QB- Clint Wyatt
RB- Michael Foote
FB- Jerry Silversmith
WR- Raghib “Rocket” Raleigh
WR- Jeff “Jet” Richmond
TE- Bob Perkins
OL- Hank Roast
OL- Chip Steak
OL- Greg Stew
OL- Brock Sirloin
OL- Leonard Burger

Defense:

DL- Antonius Tate
DL- Marcellus Smith
DE- Al Seasons
DE- Patrick Wealth
LB- Zack Ulbanker
LB- Justin Zbiewski
LB- Briun Zoellner-Upham
S- Bill Mayflower
S- Gary Constellation
DB- Victory B. Wonderful
DB- W.I.N. Champ

Let’s Go Titans. Win every game by 100, as expected!

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  • Tom D.

    One of your wide receivers has deceptive speed. I’ll let you guess which one.

  • Serpico

    He’s a coachable guy, makes up for non-elite quickness.

  • Fish

    Um… the Broncos do NOT have the best uniform in the NFL, let alone the best uniform in all of sports. First off, their helmet logo sucks balls. The stupid stallion has no pizazz whatsoever. Boring as hell. Now granted if you were to change the name to the Titans, the stallion would go away… but still.

    Secondly… the underarm vertical stripes in orange are ugly. Tremendously ugly. There’s a very good reason why their uniform was called a roller-derby uniform when it first debuted. Because that’s what it looks like. Fricking roller-derby. And no roller-derby uniform will ever be called the best uniform in all of sports. Also, the numbers are too round. They do not look menacing in the least. There’s a reason why numbers have traditionally been blocky… because the block numbers have strength. The round numbers like the Broncos have look pansyish.

    Add to this the fact that there are no stripes or team logos on the sleeves… and you have a boring and ugly uniform. And it wouldn’t matter if you changed it to black and gold. It still would look bad.

    Now if you were to put the Tennessee Titan’s numbers onto the Carolina Panthers uniforms and change the baby blue to gold… then you have something. Because the Panthers have all 3 important things on their sleeves… their logo, a cool double-colored stripe, and player numbers on the shoulders.

  • Hawver

    I have to disagree with your statement that the Ideal football temperature is 55 degrees. I believe a forecast of between 0 and 3 degrees (F) and at least half a foot of snow is perfect football weather.

  • I see you modified “one syllable first name” into “All American first name.” Otherwise my dream of seeing Bjorn Turkeythigh and Sven Meatloaf on this team would have been totes realized.

  • Serpico

    Fish, Broncos uniforms create a sense of unity between the jerseys and the pants. Football is about unity.

    Hawver, I reluctantly agree. Also, it’s not football unless Paul “Wrecking” Crewe is the quarterback and the game has something to do with ending a war.

    Flynn, the foreign-born players had a lot of immigration issues. We’re sticking with Americans.

  • I have to agree with Hawver, above. I also have to add that you missed out the kicker who can make the 65-yard field goal every time; the punter who places the ball in the corner of the field at the one-inch mark (no matter where he’s kicking from); and the punt returner who will go 99 yards and 11 inches for a TD on each return.

    Note: the field goal unit is negligible; since there will always be touchdowns at the end of drives, but as long as you’re building the Perfect team, get a kick-ass kicker.

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