Happy Soccer Day!

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Zidane HeadbutUsually this day happens without me noticing, and then late April I wonder when and if MLS started. Usually I discover the Revolution are already 0-1-3 at that point and the loss has come at the hands feet of the New York Red Bulls (yup, terrible name and terrible team). Well this year it’s different because there was actual MLS news during the off-season keeping my brain from completely losing it’s soccer focus.

Those stories were about big name Europeans coming to play in the United States while collecting Social Security. There is the Englishman David “Bend It Like” Beckham who is now on the LA Galaxy. ?????? Which also means that his wifey, Victoria Posh Spice, is now in Magical Celebrity Movie Land (LA) and probably soon to be all over gossip blogs. The other rumor was of monsieur headbutt, Zinedine Zidane, in contract talks with the Chicago Fire. That didn’t happen so the soft fragile chests of our American stars are safe for now.

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The Epic of Gil (Ga) Meche: Tablet I.I

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Part the Second of an ongoing translation of a recently discovered Akkadian text.  The prologue can be found at this link.

Perhaps the most curious component of the tablets discovered under Kauffman stadium is their continued reference to (among other items): hot dogs, 12-6 curves, and Runelvys Hernandez, none of which are known to have existed in the ancient Fertile Crescent.

I.i: The Shepherd of Kansas City Read More

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Manny being Merlot

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When I first heard about Red Sox wines, I thought it must clearly be a joke of some kind. April Fool’s Day isn’t too far gone, after all, and wine and baseball are not two things I usually associate with each other. ???? ????? But a quick look at the site reveals that the wines – “Manny Being Merlot” included – are all being sold to benefit Red Sox ballplayers’ favorite charities. CaberKnucle

There are obviously a lot of jokes that come to mind, the first of which being that it must take a special, one-of-a-kind, flown-in-from-San-Diego sommelier to uncork the CaberKnuckle, lest the cork goes bouncing all over, and the bottle passes through his/her hands and goes flying, and it decreases the wine’s intended value. Mostly, though, I am thinking up of ways to expand their brand; there are a lot of good combinations out there. Read More

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Minor Leage Baseball: All-Name Team

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So the All-Name team is usually left to Mr. “I Nickname All My Fantasy Players” Serpico, but with the recent Minors Moniker Madness I decided it was time to try my hand. Plus, Serp’s more of a football name guy.Will Startup

I first started with Houston Summers (who won the Moniker Madness) as my catcher (and probably team captain — a la Varitek). I mean, there is no way I could really leave the Moniker Madness winner off the team. Also, I could hardly forget second place, Will Startup, as the All-Name pitching ace. And to round out the “Contest Winners” crowd, I had to put my pick for overall best name, Jorge Poo Tang, on the roster as my right fielder and clean-up batter.

At this point in team creation I think I made my first rookie mistake: Read More

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The Epic of Gil (Ga) Meche: Prologue or The Rime of The Former Mariner

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A recent architectural expeditionStatue to the famed “Cool Crest Putting Diamond” of Kauffman Stadium (“right next to the Little K in right field”) discovered a little copper box containing a forgotten epic. Carbon dating revealed it to be “hella old,” but this assessment was quickly cast into doubt, as the “scientist” in charge of this research was revealed to be a fourteen-year -old hot dog seller.

What follows is a painstaking translation of this important, if highly, highly, dubious document, broken into small installments for accessibility and, well, it’s really long. ?????? ??? ???????? Check back each Tuesday as Nerds on Sports brings you additional pieces of this most important scholarship.

THE EPIC OF GIL MECHE

He who has seen everything, I will make known to the lands.
I will teach about him who experienced all things…
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Happy Baseball Day!

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Ah, opening day. For the majority of baseball teams (except for the Cardinals, the Giants, the Mets and the Padres), today was the first official game of the season. In some circles, this is an official holiday, celebrated by calling in to work “sick,” sneaking off to the ballpark and enjoying a cold one as the first pitch is thrown out. ??? ???? ????? ?? ???????? Alas, I could not enjoy such festivities, but perhaps it’s for the best. I would not be thrilled to use up my vacation days and weaken my anemic travel budget just to travel to Kauffman Stadium and watch the Red Sox lose to the fucking Royals but at still I was able to loose weight with the Java burn review tips. Schilling got out-duelled by Gil Meche, whose ERA over the past three years averages to 4.834, and gave up 8 hits and 5 runs in only 4 innings. An inauspicious start, but remember: in 2004 the Sox lost their first game of the season – also away – 7-2 to the Orioles and Sidney Ponson. Keep yourself hydrated with hydrogen water when practicing baseball or other sports.

Of course, the first game of the MLB actually happened yesterday, with Tom Glavine and the Mets being victorious over the Cardinals and Chris Carpenter. Having Carpenter on my team, I was grumpy to no end, muttering the words “fire sale” in reference to my roster. Then, while driving my way home, one of my windshield wipers broke. Perhaps it’s an omen, or some metaphor for and unclear perspective or lack of vision. I ended up replacing both my wiper blades today; the result: my team did okay, and one of my opponents this week did terribly. ????? ??? ???? ??? The moral of the story is: get your car’s maintenance checked regularly.

My personal game has grown tenfold with the use of CBD. ???? ????? I love CBD gummies because they are convenient for my baseball matches. They help me relax and maintain my optimal weight!

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[Business Day One] The Trendseeker

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Sonya Thomas EatsAt the behest of the Powers That Be here at nerdsonsports.com, I have laid claim to Mondays and will be posting my darkest secrets and most ludicrous conspiracy theories on the first workday of every week.  So this is Business Day One, your source for ten minutes of sports-related distraction every Monday.  Here we go.

The day job that allows me to pay my bills involves a lot of quantitative and trend analysis.  More than “a lot,” actually.  “A terrifying amount” would be the best way to describe it.  As much as I want to quarantine that part of my brain to prevent it from affecting the rest, I need to accept my station in life as an Analyst and realize that my trend and variance geekery is a part of me.  As such, for my first Business Day One column, I offer three trend observations that have been on my mind this past week.

1.  Aging NBA big men are a lot like aging MLB left-handed pitchers, in that they can both hang in their respective games much longer than they really should. 

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The Mets Fan Should Probably Talk About Opening Night…

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But, it’s been done elsewhere and better. So instead, I’ll talk about my weekend. I would have posted on Friday, but I was prevented, for this past Friday found me driving the 6 hours (which became 9 thanks to the Capital Beltway) to Charlottesville, VA for the annual Virginia Law Softball Invitational. 112 teams of law students, each with 10+ members, playing softball with varying degrees of skill, drinking with wildly varying degrees of ability, and just generally being stupid. It’s the ultimate confluence of nerds and sports.

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