Racing horsesSo, I don’t know a damn thing about horse racing except maybe that there are horses racing. I did however come across the list of horses that will be racing in the Kentucky Derby this weekend. So, in order to help everyone with their betting, I am going to give you a run down of the horses.

  1. Sedgefield: Don’t bet on Sedgefield unless you know what a Sedge is. Actually, I looked it up, it’s a plant that grows well in ditches (not fields). So, even if you know what a sedge is (and you should I JUST told you), don’t bet here because Sedge doesn’t grow in fields (well).
  2. Curlin: So, I hear that Curlin is the favorite, but I don’t believe the hype. Mostly because I think Curlin needs a couple of people in front of him with brooms directing where to go.
  3. Zanjero: Any horse with a name a little like Sanjaya will do well out of the gate but will completely horrible down the stretch. Though you should be sure to check out what jockey Zanjero is sporting this weekend.
  4. Storm In May: The race is happening in May so Storm has that going for her, but the most recent X-men movie was so terrible, that I wouldn’t put money anywhere near Storm.
  5. Imawildandcrazyguy: This grown up Wild and Crazy Kid (from Nickelodeon) would do much better if all jockeys had to spin around on a baseball bat before racing. But I think his experience may help in the overall scheme of things. So perhaps third or fourth.
  6. Cowtown Cat: Cows are very laid back, so to be a cool cat in Cowtown takes a laidbackness the likes of Mitch Hedberg; which is not conducive to winning races.
  7. Street Sense: Street sense will get you nowhere in Kentucky.
  8. Hard Spun: She’s just like a hard spun curve ball — She’ll start out on top looking but be right before the end she’ll fall to the bottom.
  9. Liquidity: Liquidity is from California and doesn’t run well when outside CA. My guess is that he is a druggy and addicted to horse tranqs. His dealer is in CA so when he races elsewhere he has the shakes and cold sweats and other withdrawal symptoms.
  10. Teuflesberg: The name, literally translated from German, means Devil’s Mountain, but if you ask any German (from Ohio) they will tell you that it is an idiom for Devil’s Backbone. The Devil’s Backbone is a crazy hill in Cincinnati, Ohio that you challenge people to rollerblade down. Seth Green probably has partial ownership which means it will do well, but won’t win anything.
  11. Bwana Bull: Well, Bwana isn’t even a word (unless you speak Swahili) so that makes Bwana a longshot. And in this case I say “longshot” but I mean “not a chance.”
  12. Nobiz Like Showbiz: She’s got a name that says it all. There happens to be no business like show business except maybe the news business now-a-days. She will be seeking the spotlight of winners circle. I don’t know if I’d pick her to win, but she’ll be on any of the multi-horse bety things.
  13. Sam P.: Sam P. as in Sampo? (It’s my guess because this Sampo poem talks about horses.) I’ve been wondering where Sampo has been since stopping the world from freezing so long ago. Sampo may be old, but Sampo is powerful… of course Sam P. my not be the secret identity of Sampo — it could be Sampson or Sampras who would do terrible is a horse race.
  14. Scat Daddy: This horse likes the mud, if you know what I mean. (nudge, nudge, wink, wink) So any rain on derby day is good for Scat Daddy. Also, Scat may win just to be put out to stud and say “who’s your Daddy?”
  15. Tiago: T.I. ago refers to the calculator you used in high school. You may have fond memories of playing Tetris or Golf on your TI83, but that fondness doesn’t translate to fast. It’s still old slow technology.
  16. Circular Quay: A Circular Quay to park your crescent shaped boat. Sorry wannabe quay designer, but circular isn’t going to cut it.
  17. Stormello: She’s named after one of those color mixes. A mix of Storms and Yellow. They don’t mix too well, it’s kind of like a sun shower.
  18. Any Given Saturday: The Derby is on Saturday… but it’s not any given Saturday, it’s always the first Saturday in May. I’d say this horse would be a lock if it was selected as an alternate and another horse got hurt — So be wary that Any Given Saturday may lose his eye.
  19. Dominican: This horse will be swinging for the fences because, as they say, you don’t walk off the island.
  20. Great Hunter: She’s a humble horse. She no Greater Hunter or Greatest Hunter, but she is pretty good at hunting. Perhaps you can prey to the hunter in the sky, Orion, and then place some bets here.

**All information is completely fictional. I’m also sure I guessed incorrectly on the gender of the horse — Too bad. I’m just lazy and don’t feel like looking it up.**

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