Author: Serpico

I love the Yankees and Boston College. I guess that means Bill Simmons wants my death.

[Business Day One] Roid Rage

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I’m still upset about this A-Rod thing.  The past few days haven’t done anything to ease the frustration of having Bud Selig, who watched the biceps of his best players swell along with average attendance, declare that Rodriguez ‘shamed the game.’  Is the act of putting performance enhancers in your body to compete with the hundreds of other players that put performance enhancers in their bodies any more shameful than turning a blind eye to it until memories of the baseball strike faded?  Is that act more shameful than faking outrage once he realized that the fans were back?  The men that returned the crowds to baseball were coursing with banned substances.  People knew.  Staffers knew.  The commissioner’s office knew.  They must have known.  They’re not stupid – far from it.  They’re smarter than all of us.  Think of it this way: we’re all disgusted, but we’re talking about it.  I’m talking about it right now.  Heck, I just set my keepers in my fantasy baseball league.  We’re complaining about this steroid issue the same way we complain about U.S. foreign policy.  We’re disappointed, but we’re not going anywhere.

When will it end?  When will the stories about baseball be about baseball again?  I wish I had an answer for that.  I think this season is shot.  The hundred plus names on that report that mentioned A-Rod is coming out this year, no doubt about it.  There will be a lot of outrage and the season will essentially be a washout.  Right now, we’ve got a whole spring training, regular season, and postseason that will be absolutely, totally dominated by talk of steroids first and play on the field second, and that’s why the use of other supplements, such as lgd4033 (ligandrol) is a better option than steroids.

We’re really got two options for this upcoming season.  We can view it with a bit of distance and skepticism, or we can ignore it totally.  I don’t know of any real fans that are doing the second.  So in that respect we’re as much to blame as Selig or BALCO or anyone else.  We’re not going to boycott.  We’re going to pay $100 for tickets like always and then, if we have time, make up a clever sign with a syringe on it that might get up on television.  We’re part of the monster, so we better feel bad as we keep tuning in to SportsCenter to track allegations.  As a sports fan, you owe it to the Gods to feel bad.

So we’re angry and we’re guilty.  Let’s just make sure that’s taken care of before we even think about talking about the season.  Maybe next week is when I start hoping that the Yankees pitching staff is healthy.  Maybe the week after is when I think about my fantasy draft.  I’m not ready for any of that yet.  I hope I will be soon.  I hope you all will be too.

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[Business Day One] The Baseball Rule of Thumb

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I’m going to use as few words as possible so that the ones I use will carry a bit more weight.

When it comes to baseball, assume that every record broken in the last dozen years is tainted. Assume that the greats of yesteryear are still the best and that no one born after 1970 can hold a candle. Assume that the best and purest days of baseball are behind us and will never come back.

If you want to go to the ballpark after you think through all of that, then go.

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[Business Day One] A Wizard’s Guide To Sports

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Steelers-Cardinals was boring.  Sure, Big Ben Roflcopter led a blistering two minute drive down the field to score the go-ahead touchdown with under 60 seconds to play.  Sure, the Santonio Holmes catch was impossibly athletic, and could only be performed by about 50 people in the world.  But, well, Roflcopter always leads those drives and Holmes always makes those catches.  And the game ended just as Vegas predicted – a close Pittsburgh victory.

UFC 94 was boring.  The main event (St. Pierre vs. Penn 2) involved the Canadian ruthlessly pounding the confused and exhausted American for four rounds before the fight was called.

The sporting highlight of my weekend was neither of these things.  It was, instead, my first viewing of Wisest Wizard, the greatest nerd-related drinking game I’ve ever seen.  Here’s how it works:  Every time you finish a beer (or a diet A&W root beer, in my case), you duct tape a fresh beer to the top of it.  Eventually, you create a mighty wizard staff of beer cans and duct tape.  Every third or fourth can, you fight a “boss battle,” which involves taking a shot.  And that’s it.  That’s the game.

The peripherals of this hobby are splendid.  You can discuss which powers you gain as you increase in level (“I just learned the Stumble spell” or “Dude, you just discovered Summon Lo Mein Fart.”)  Walking around with an aluminum staff is ridiculous, as they are more durable than you think they’d be.  Wisest Wizard works at any sporting event that could use a little extra spice on it.  Like, say, a lackluster SuperBowl or Ultimate Fighting event.  Seriously.  As a nerd, you owe it to yourself to pick this up.

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[Business Day One] Don’t’s, Lots of Don’t’s

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Watching the SuperBowl is a privilege, not a right.  You need to earn the invitation to a party by being a good friend, showering with regularity, and making sure people know you like football.  The enjoyment associated with the Mardi Gras of the pro sports can be taken away as freely as it can be given to you.  As such, when you’re at the party (wherever that party is), there are rules you need to follow.  And that goes beyond the obvious ones like “wipe your feet before entering” or “figure out who’s playing.”  I call these rules the “Don’t’s.”  And I’m going to share them with you so that you don’t embarass yourself and ruin what, for many, is the most fun day of their year.

DON’T be late.  If so, you’ll miss the pre-game gambling grids, the prime seating and the first round of chili.  Also, there is not more horrendous than the suspence of an opening drive interrupted by the sound of someone buzzing into your apartment.  Just budget an extra ten minutes for the trip.  Everyone will thank you.

DON’T show up empty-handed.  This is common courtesy, but it must be mentioned in the context of the Big Game.  To host a SuperBowl party is to lay out $100 in food and booze and know, for a fact, that this food and booze will wind up all over your floor.  SuperBowl parties aren’t clean and classy affairs.  They’re messy and loud and result in an environment that needs a wet-dry vac to correct.  Hosts are saints, and you should make a sacrifice of smoked meats, a cheese tray or a case of domestic beer to honor their divinity.

DON’T be contrary.  We’ve all seen it.  That random girlfriend of friend of a friend that shows up and immediately begins rooting for the other team.  Not because they’re a fan, or because they even know anything about football, but because they want to “be funny” or “give everyone a hard time.”  These people are soul-sucking leeches, put on this Earth to bother the rest of us.  They’re the same people that wore zany neckties in high school, or carried a tie-dyed purse.  They just want attention, and they don’t care if that attention is laced with murderous hatred.  There is nothing more infuriating than a non-fan cheering in mock enthusiasm when your team gets scored on.   It’s the only thing worse than stunned silence.  Just imagine you’re a Buffalo fan, and your cousin’s new girlfriend came over your house eighteen years ago wearing a $5 Giants shirt she bought “just for fun.”  Now imagine her cheering when Norwood’s kick went wide.  Now, take a breath and imagine the statewide search for the body.  Be kind and, if you don’t know the sport, stay quiet until those catchy commercials start playing.  Which reminds me…

DON’T feel bad about enjoying the commercials.  Enough effort has been put into them over the years that it’s ok for the die-hards to laugh at them.  It’s not like doing the wave.  It’s totally fine.  Don’t feel bad.  Laugh when something funny happens.

DON’T ask if anyone wants the last cocktail weiner.  Just take it.  No one cares.

DON’T use ESPN pre-game analysis as the source of your opinions.  Yes, the temptation is there to opine on why Larry Fitzgerald will dominate or why Willie Parker will get stuffed at the line.  But if you haven’t seen any Steelers or Cardinals games this season, what you heard Cris Carter say before you drove to your buddy’s house IS NOT a valid substitute for silence.  If you don’t have an opinion of your own, don’t offer someone else’s to look cool.  Everyone there knows where you got it from.

And finally, DON’T leave until it’s over.  These people are your friends.  There is nowhere else you should be.

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[Business Day One] The Winter Warmer Mailbag

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So Cardinals/Steelers, eh?  Who knew?  I had a feeling like the Eagles would choke this one away,  due more to the Football Gods refusing to give Philly a double-dip of joy this year than anything else.  But hey, whatever the reason, we’re dealing with Arizona and Pittsburgh playing in Tampa.  Ain’t that something?

I have a mailbag to get to, so I’m going to hammer away on that instead of attempting to predict what asinine and contrived stories we’ll hear the pundits pound down our throats for the next two weeks.  Can they use a Jerome Bettis returning to the place where he once ate a good meal angle?

So here’s the ‘bag:

Ryan –  Please categorize each of the following as either a “game” or a “sport”:  Bowling, golf, badminton, tennis, ultimate frisbee, hunting, fishing, darts, billiards, and competitive eating

There are a lot of different ways to go about this; lord knows I’ve had these debates before.  I’ll spare you the devil’s advocate style pro’s and con’s of each rating system, and instead tell you about my own system of determining which is which.  I call it The Feel Rule.  A sport makes me feel like I’m watching people do things that would be impossible for most of the world to do.  A sport makes me feel like I’m watching something sacred – a blacktop hoops game is just as intriguing to me as the Final Four, for the same reason that a wedding in a chapel is as grand as a wedding in a palace.  It’s all about feel.  With a game, I either feel like I’m watching people pass time between rounds of beer, or I feel as if there’s something better I could be doing.

Keeping those things in mind, here’s my categorization.  Bowling’s a game (and a fun one),  golf is a sport (the sound that a well-hit ball off the tee sounds is like a choir to me), badminton is a game, tennis is a sport, ultimate is a game, hunting and fishing are both games, darts is a game, billiards is a sport (based solely on the trick shooting competitions that blow my mind consistently) and competitive eating is a game.

Mike – Hockey: How would you get fans back to watching it?

The simple answer would be to find a charismatic, American-born star and allow him to earn the C on one of the Original Six teams – preferably Detroit or Boston.  Nothing gets the crowds going quite like a burger-eating, “born and raised in the US of A” hero.  Mark McGwire single-handedly saved baseball.  Johnny Unitas played one of the greatest games of all time and put football on the map.  We need an American hero in a premiere hockey town.  Crosby and Oveckin are great players, and very exciting, but the “skating on frozen ponds outside of St. Paul” crowd needs someone waving the stars and stripes.  If that happens, not even Gary Bettman could screw that up.

Sam – I have a question: WHY, GOD? WHY??

Because Pittsburgh’s mayor was elected in his mid-twenties and is, well, kind of a dork.

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[Business Day One] Keep Your Money In The Bank

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football on a pile of moneyI heard a phrase once that has become one of my favorites.

“Bookies don’t ever quit because they run out of money.”

The Ravens won, despite being a 3 point underdog. The Eagles won, despite being a 4 point underdog. The Cardinals won, despite being a 10 pointer. The Steelers won, as expected, only by 11 points instead of the 6 Vegas suggested.

Of all of those games, I only saw the Pittsburgh-San Diego tilt playing out as it did. Did anyone with a mind in their head see the Cardinals defense suddenly get stout? A healthy Brandon Jacobs not a dominant part of the game plan against Philly? The Ravens/Titans game, which played out like twin brothers getting into a fistfight, could’ve gone either way. But I didn’t think Joe Flacco would handle a somewhat loud Nashville crowd with an AFC Championship berth on the line.

I’m sure the money in Vegas agreed with me, which is why the house won a bundle and a lot of men will be explaining to their wives that the $200 a plate restaurant suddenly lost their Valentine’s Day reservations.

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Gambling is an ugly business, and an even uglier one when you lose. I’m willing to bet (or maybe I’m not) that a lot of unhappy people are sitting bleary-eyed over their phones on the top online casinos or at their desks right now. Turnkey gaming platform provides innovative front-end to back-end turnkey solutions for the land-based gaming industry, to a complete iGaming and mobile gaming products. I pity them but do not empathize. These are the playoffs of one of the weirdest years in recent NFL history, all the predictions were off and noone predicted the future. You all should’ve known better.

Cut your losses, get some nachos, and watch the rest of the games with no action on them. You’ll recoup some of the years you just lost this weekend.

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[Business Day One] The Heights – A New Drama Series

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Did I expect Boston College to beat North Carolina in a game of basketball at the Dean Dome this weekend? No, I did not. Did I expect Boston College to prepare to fire its head football coach after he decided to interview for the New York Jets position? No. Yet oddly, both this happened.

College sport is a lot of things to a lot of people. To some, it’s everything. While I’m not as wrapped up in the exploits of my alma mater as some, I’m more involved than most. As such, this odd combination of events this weekend has affected my sleep last night and my appetite today. How can I be hungry when I need to keep checking my message boards for breaking news?

Whether you love schoolboy hoops or not, or have ever been to a college football tailgate, you’ve all be acquainted with the dizzying experience of being hit with both wonderful and horrible news at the same time. It throws you for a loop in a way that you can’t really explain. The bad news doesn’t seem as awful because the good news tempered it slightly. Yet, unfortunately, that good news isn’t as sweet as you could’ve expected. Both events are brought into their weird hazy middle ground, that you get lost in instead of gettinga good night’s sleep. I’ve always found the idea of willingly becomming a sports fan funny – you’re signing up for far more heartbreak than happiness. Whenever I forget about that fact, fate reminds me.

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