It is my solemn promise to never miss a Business Day One post. I hold this vow so sacred that I will write an entry even after the internet loses the original one that I put three hours into writing. Such is the indomitable nature of my will.
So here is a post of rage, of frustration and of hate. A list of everything in sports that I cannot stand. That makes me question why I even follow the exploits of men playing a game. Come, hate with me.
The Business Day One List of Things I Hate About Sports:
-Players Thanking God – God doesn’t care about you, or how crisp your cutback move was on that fourth and short at the goal line. God didn’t give you extra quicks, nor did he somehow divinely smite your opponents, causing them to misjudge the snap count. It was you, Bible Thumping Fullback. Not God. Just you. You were in the gym, not God. God, or any other power you believe in, has no interest in the game you play. And if He does, He’s no more interested in you than He is in your opponent. You’re the one that wins and loses, not God.
-The Coach “Losing His Touch” – Coaches don’t somehow forget how to coach between one season and the next. It is the job of the sports commentator, however, to write garbage like that to sell papers and get traffic to their website. Sure, over decades, if a coach doesn’t change, then the game passes him by. But in the offseason? No. That’s now how the human mind works.
-The Fan That Screams At A Player – Do not boo a player on your team, and do not ask “how can you miss that shot?” Not ever. You can’t dribble, balding guy with the Garnett jersey. You can’t throw a tight spiral, Packers hat wearer. You can’t get slam-tackled by a linebacker and then get to your feet, shake off a car accident’s worth of trauma and get back in the huddle. You can’t, fans. You can’t do that, nor can you understand how difficult it is to do. Sure, they get paid millions. But they get paid millions because one time out of three, they can put a ball in play off one of the 200 best pitchers in the world. They get paid millions because they can hit a jumper with a hand in their face in front of twenty thousand people at the buzzer. They get paid millions because they can do what you, your friends or anyone you have ever met in your life cannot do. So don’t boo your own, people. And don’t sit on your couch and say “even I could’ve gotten a yard there.” You clearly have no idea.
-Screaming Children At The Ballpark – You spent $200 per seat for the game, dude. Spend an extra $50 and get a babysitter. I mean, please. Please, you jerk. Don’t bother everyone in the section.
-The Sports Website Post Upload System With Technical Difficulties – Thank you for ruining my day.