Lisa LampanelliFootball is so worried about who killed some dogs and who videotaped who, but the real crime here is that someone slept around went cougar hunting. And this was no ordinary cougar; this was a fat and ugly cougar — Lisa Lampanelli. Are you disgusted now? Please take a moment to get a drink to wash that little bit of throw up in your mouth out. This post isn’t going anywhere while you do that (actually, like all my posts, it’s not going anywhere, ever).

Now that you’ve freshened up, I hope you’re with me that this player needs to be punished/fined/penalized for giving the business/beaten severely. The problem here is that Lisa didn’t name any names, she only gave clues. So basically we have to play a game of Guess Who with the members of the Chicago Bears using the clues Lisa gives. Those clues are:

  • He is in his 20’s
  • He is black (or “mocha latte”)
  • He has tattoos
  • He is southern
  • He is not a starter
  • He had an injured ankle this season
  • He has a curved penis

Captain HookStarting with ‘in his 20’s’ we can narrow it down to about 39 players (ignoring IR) so we only eliminated about 13 players, but it’s a start. That was the easy one, because you can find age on the roster page. Now on to the tough stuff. Next up: Black and Southern. I’m doing this both at the same time because the chicagobears.com bio page has both a picture and a hometown. After that round of eliminations, I’m down to 17. I don’t know who has tattoos, so I’ll have to skip that clue. He is not a starter (or at least he wasn’t when the cougar hunt happened). So I will eliminate the starters (or who I can glean to be starters from the bios). Doing that I’m now down to 8: (don’t complain if they are starters, I don’t follow the Bears so if I was unsure, I went the cautious route and included them here) Trumaine McBride, Jamar Williams, Josh Gattis, Mark Bradley, Rod Wilson, Darrell McClover, Anthony Oakley, and Jason McKie.

Now to see who was hurt… actually I can’t find a damn thing on most of these players on Yahoo so I’ll let the internet decide. Some people say Trumaine McBride. Others say Josh Gattis. Still other are like me and leave the comments to make the decisions. Who do you think the crazy one is?

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  • Why oh why did you use Captain Hook as the signifier for “curved penis”?

  • I did it for 2 reasons:
    1 – She said it was so curved it caused uncomfortable sex.
    2 – This player needs a new nickname.

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