What could be said about Michael Vick and Pacman Jones that hasn’t been said yet?  I won’t leave you in suspense – nothing.  It’s all been said.  Pundits weighed in and race relations were discussed and speculations on suspensions have been put forth.  Just so that I am not left completely off the “blog about idiots that forget they’re famous athletes” wagon, I’m going to weigh in for a paragraph or two before I get to the fun stuff I want to do:

One of my best friends in the world played Big East football for four years.  He was a popular and touted defensive player in a big time conference.  He was covered on national television, interviewed by local media and was someone that everyone on campus knew.  At last check (I e-mailed him about a week ago), he was not involved in any strip club fights, drug runs or illegal cabals.  In point of fact, he was going home to visit his family and get some quality video game time in.  Football obviously doesn’t turn people bad.  Pro sports as a whole doesn’t either.  Playing in front of the cameras runs someone through an industrial process, not an alchemical one.  They get pounded and sculpted and scrutinized, but their component parts do not change.  What you put in is what comes out, generally.

Pacman Jones came into the League with behavioral issues.  Vick had a hard knock life in Newport News before he got to VTech and eventually Atlanta.  These were guys with big chips on their shoulder and posses of folks that hoped they’d be earning enough bank to put them up in guest rooms.  These guys brought a lot of emotional and entourage baggage with them into the process, and this is what happened.

Alrighty, now that that’s out of the way, let’s get to the fun stuff.  I have compiled a Hall of Fame Jackass and Criminal All-Star Team for this upcoming season.  Here we go:

The 2007 Jackass and Criminal All-Star Team:

The Bad Newz Offense:

QB-Michael Vick-The man owns a “rape stand,” so he gets the starting nod.

RB-Quincy Wilson-The man just hates when wedding parties end.  Also, a Bengal.

FB-Najeh Davenport-Yeah, this happened in 2002, but the man pooped in a girl’s closet.  He’s a lifer on this team.

WR-Chris Henry-Being suspended doesn’t mean you no longer have to abide by traffic laws.  Also, a Bengal.

WR-Chris Chambers-He’s the ‘go to’ guy on the Dolphins.  Apparently he needed to go to somewhere really fast, and while drunk.

The Accessory to the Crime Defense:

DL-Terry “Tank” Johnson-Why does a man that big need a gun?  Why?

DL-Fred Evans-The man just really likes being in taxis.  And getting Tasered.

LB-Nick Barnett-Getting into a nightclub fight did not deter him from going to Brett Favre’s softball game later that day.

CB-Adam “Pacman” Jones-The dude makes it rain.

I’m not going to round out a full eleven on each side, since I think it would make me lose faith in the sport I love.  Aside from Najeh “Always A Spot On This Team” Davenport, all of this stuff happened in 2007.

Are you ready for some football?

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  • Whoohoo! Ray Lewis is NOT GUILTY.

  • Serpico

    Even if he was, he’s no longer eligible for admittance. The only person with a lifetime pass is Davenport, since he bent a biscuit in a girl’s closet.

  • BedelBlitz

    I know who could referee their games….

  • Serpico

    Well-played, Bedel. Well-played.

  • Sean

    You forgot “Literally Every Bengal”.

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