Nerds on Sports

You’ve helped us slug through thirty-two impressive contenders, the best warriors that nerds have to offer. Now it’s down to the final two: BATMAN vs. LUKE SKYWALKER.

First Period

Batman flung a handful of boomerangs, flash grenades and other sharp, distracting implements at Skywalker’s head. Skywalker parried them with his lightsaber and leapt across the court. He swung wildly, but Batman tumbled over his swings and rolled up behind him to kick him in the back.

Skywalker flung Batman against a stanchion with a Force push, then charged him with his saber flurrying. Pinned against the far wall, Batman narrowly avoided decapitation, but the tip of the laser sword shredded his armor from hip to shoulder.

The Dark Knight flipped his cape around to distract the Jedi and vanish. But Skywalker’s attunement with the Force meant that Batman’s stealth wouldn’t avail him. He pretended not to notice Batman hiding in the rafters - until he lashed out suddenly, severing a support pillar with his lightsaber, and knocking Batman off his perch.

Second Period

The Caped Crusader and the Jedi Knight circled each other warily.

“This is senseless,” Skywalker told him in calm tones. “You can’t possibly defeat me. Surrender now and save yourself the trouble.”

Batman’s response: flinging a bolo with one hand and a tear gas pellet with the other. Skywalker shredded the bolo, but the gas cloud enveloped him in thick white smoke. Batman lingered cautiously outside the cloud, his cape held over his face.

When Skywalker vaulted out of the cloud feet first, kicking Batman in the head, the Dark Knight was caught completely off guard. He sprawled backwards in a heap, fighting to clear his head. Skywalker watched him struggle, standing in the same spot Batman had stood seconds ago.

“Your thoughts betray you,” Skywalker said. “I feel the good in you, the conflict. I know that underneath that mask you’re a decent man.”

Palming the remote in his hand, Batman rolled onto his side. “No, I’m not.”

The micro-mine, lying in the spot where Batman had just been kicked from, beeped between Skywalker’s feet.

“Oh, sh–”

Winner and Grand Champion: BATMAN

Thanks to the over 300 people who cast votes in this year’s tournament. We saw quite a few surprises and some epic matches thanks to your participation. Be sure to tune in for next year’s March Madness tournament, where a whole new roster of nerd icons will duke it out for that prestigious title - the Nerds on Sports March Madness Grand Champion.

Ladies and Gentlemen, your 2007 All Star Wars Starting Lineup:

Offense

Center: Ryan Kalil (CAR).
Offensive Guard: Deuce Lutui (ARI).
Offensive Guard: Uche Nwaneri (JAC).
Offensive Tackle: Marshall Yanda (BAL).
Offensive Tackle: Quinn Ojinnaka (ATL).
Tight End: Todd Yoder (WAS).
Wide Receiver: Devin Aromashodu (IND).
Wide Receiver: Ben Obomanu (SEA).
Running Back: Reno Mahe (PHI).
Running Back: Joseph Addai (IND).
Quarterback: Tony Romo (DAL).

Defense
Defensive End: Kenechi Udeze (MIN).
Defensive End: Osi Umenyiora (NYG).
Defensive Tackle: Dek Bake (NYG).
Defensive Tackle: Baba Oshinowo (CHI).
Outside Linebacker: Tully Banta-Cain (SF).
Middle Linebacker: Lofa Tatupu (SEA).
Outside Linebacker: Na’il Diggs (CAR).
Cornerback: Nnamdi Asomugha (OAK).
Cornerback: Ty Law (OAK).
Strong Safety: Atari Bigby (GB).
Free Safety: O.J. Atogwe (STL).

A week and a half ago while on a business trip to the fine city of Dallas, TX, I was able to score some tickets to a Dallas Mavericks v Phoenix Suns game (thanks Stub Hub). I don’t know if all the games that happen at the American Airlines Center are that good, but for me, it’s 100% accurate so I’m just going to assume all games are similar.

First off, there is the American Airlines Center which is a large television screen covered and wi-fi enabled arena sponsored by Mr. Mark Cuban. I’m not joking about thebeing covered in TVs. The main entrance has 2 moving screens that flank the big screen above the doors. Oh, and there was another one before you got to those 3.

Once we got past all the screens, we went into the arena and sat down in the Jack Danial’s restaurant by the buffet and watched the Celtics get their third loss. The close game and sad outcome for the boys in green left a bad taste in my mouth. That was quickly remedied but a delicious pile of smores. After I had had my fill of deliciousness, it was time for some basketball, and we headed to our seats — as far back and away from the floor as possible. Read more »

One of the virtues of being in the thirties when it comes to draft day is that hey, you’re there for a reason. You’ve got shit figured out. Take it easy. Now’s the time to start making long-term investments that’ll pay off in a year or two, rather than hurrying sandbags into a collapsing levee.

So I’m going to talk about my Ravens.

1st round: Ben Grubbs, right guard, Auburn. One of the most liked linemen coming into the draft. The combine is full of those non-specific but enthusiastic notes that, were this baseball, would make Billy Beane tip over a lat press machine. “Explodes off the line” … “non-stop motor” … “mauler with a mean streak.”

On the other hand, it’s tough to quote impressive figures about a guard, so I understand the ambiguity. So here’s one impressive stat: Ben Grubbs never missed a game in college. This speaks of good health and, more importantly (on a team which still starts Jamal “Probation” Lewis and Ray “Obstruction of Justice” Lewis), good behavior.

3rd round: Yamon Figurs, wide receiver, Kansas State. The Ravens probably didn’t draft Figurs to catch passes, which is no doubt making the Texans pull their hair out. Say what you will about his hands - Figurs posted the fastest speed at the combine this year, and he ran back more than five fields’ worth of punts, twice for touchdowns. Pair him up with the like of B.J. Sams and the Ravens could once again have a punt return unit that puts points on the board. Read more »