10 Link – Bobby

“As a multi-tool player, he’s got all the versatility I need. He’s a swimmer, comfortable in ice or heat environments and he’s a veteran that just keeps getting better with time.” – Bobby

Plus, his victory poses – done whenever he extends his lifespan, defeats a boss, or finds some ratty old leather pouch – can not be topped in its grandiosity. You don’t see me humming those memorable bars whenever I “discover” my lunch at work. Not since I had to switch jobs for…some reason, anyway.

11 Sephiroth – Will

” Stats: (in Safer form)
LV: ?? (Stats are increased based on who he is fighting)
HP: ??
MP: ??
Spells Known: Slow, Flare, Wall, Break, Doom, and DispelAll
Special Attacks: Supernova (1100-2200 Dmg to all), Pale Horse (3700-3800 Dmg), Dein (1200-1300 Dmg to all)
Attacks: Wing Slash (5000+ Dmg)” – Willis

“??”? What is that, intangiables? Deadly, murderously fatal intangiables? Like if Derek Jeter were made of fire and brimstone and caused a singularity whenever he swung?

12 Kratos (God of War) – Ed

“Kratos is not only a powerful and angry man, he can also kick into some shit called ‘Rage of the Gods’ which makes him faster and stronger, and less vulnerable.” – Ed

An excellent choice. Why pick mortals when you can pick A GOD. A GOD of WAR, even. The only thing that could defeat him is another god and possibly secular humanism.
13 Mega Man – Perich

“MegaMan brings limitless endurance and a wealth of experience to Team Perich. While he starts off each season fairly weak, he really gets into his own by the time the playoffs roll around – almost as if he’s adapting to every opponent he faces.” – Perich

The problem with MegaMan lies with this need to go through a game in a specific order. What if you need him in the fifth instead of the ninth and he hasn’t finished defeating Tim “Air Man” Wakefield yet? You’re SOL.

14 Sonic – Serpico

“Offensively, his speed will be invaluable for racking up stolen bases, yards after the catch, break-away points, short-handed goals and grass court match wins. Defensively, he can clog passing lanes, lead the league in interceptions, run down line drives, and be an impenetrable net-minder. His fame will pack the seats. And his affinity for gold rings will make him a shoe-in for jewelry endorsements.” – Serpico

+20 for his velocity, but -20 for being voiced by Jaleel White. It’s a wash.

15 Wanderer (Shadows of the Colossus) – RJ

“Dude is crazy devoted and can fucking take down Colossi.” – RJ
“MURDERER!!!!” – Brett

I picked the Wanderer for two reasons. The first was to piss Serpico off. The second was in response to people picking behemoth structures with seemingly no weakness. Of course, this plan could easily be all for naught if another team convinces the Wanderer that the next colossus he must face is actually Mt. Rushmore, as Homeland Security will then bust his ass as soon as he starts running around like a crazed Cary Grant.

16 Evil Otto (Berserk) – Lynch

“Evil Otto is the most insidious game villain ever: He passes directly through physical barriers, he follows a unrelenting homing routine, and of course, he can’t be killed. And he does all this with a family-friendly smile on his face..which is also his body.” – Lynch

The staying power and mania of Evil Otto sounds like a senile great uncle whom nobody remembers inviting to the family reunion, but more than makes his presence known when he starts telling your niece a “funny” “off-color” story about the war. Except the war in question keeps changing, and the humor usually involves violence towards unfavored minority groups. Then I asked great uncle to stop drinking and yelling, but he just got more mad, and in the end it took four policeman and a spray from the fireman’s hose to bring him down.

Ahem.

17 Donkey Kong – Peiser

“He’s gone from heel to hero to face to heel and back again quite a few times. He’s shown versatility- the villain in his initial star turn, the captive in DKJr., opposed by some non-Mario dude with a bug spray canister and a weird penchant for monkey ass in the semi-apocryphal DKIII, and then onto drumbeats, go-karts, and crocodile rasslin’ and such. He’s got personality, he’s a committed family man, and he’ll work for bananas.” – Peiser

It’s not often you see a character with brute strength also have such great versatility. Still, he is vulnerable to anyone agile enough. Like, anyone who can jump.


18 Karnov – Brett

“Russian. Mustache. Fat. Bald. Shoots fireballs from armpits. Beats up dinosaurs. True, his best days are behind him, and he’s sort of let himself go a little bit… but, his heart and talent cannot be denied. Plus, his years of wisdom make him a great resource for the younger and less experienced characters on the squad.” – Brett

Despite his similarities to David Wells, anyone who picks a character from Rampage is fucked.

And the extras:

19 Alex (River City Ransom) – Brett

“An avid reader, Alex has read such literary masterpieces as Stone Hands, Dragon Feet, Javelin Man, and Detective Novel. Alex is also somewhat of an epicure; he is fond of free smiles from Merv’s, the combo platter from Hack’s Chicken Shack, and of course, eating whole cups of coffee.” – Brett
“Alex looks more than a little like Alex Rodriguez. He hits a little harder, though.” – Perich
“Less lip gloss too.” – Cooka

Someday I hope to meet an Alex, and he’ll ask me to smile, and when I do I’ll make him blush.

Smiles are free, of course. Anything else costs extra.

20 The Prince (Katamari Damacy) – Peiser

“He’s cute, he can roll things into a ball, and he’s got issues with his weird and controlling father! Plus a strangely shaped head! ” – Peiser
An excellent pick from Peiser. Everything he already said, not to mention his callous indifference to his victims as he balls them up, shoots them in the cold, oxygen-less emptiness of space, and ignites them at millions of degrees in order to turn them into a star. Game called due to nuclear fusion.

21 Kid Icarus – Lynch

“Bright cherub, nimble and gullwinged, all gamedom is lit by your smile!
Your quivver is swift and deadly, your footwear: casual.
Will you not perch in our locker room o flighty one? O beautiful boy,
you ran, lovely and sure-winged upon the Metroid engine, and your skin–
the forgotten skin, had Classical elegance. Radiant angel, will you grace us?” – Lynch

I am not sure what Lynch was thinking, picking Kid Icarus immediately after someone who can make various sun-like objects.

22 Tommy Vercetti – RJ

“A loose cannon, but very ambitious and can get things done. Knows how to play off rival factions against each other. Can break rules and get away with it just by changing his uniform. Skilled in urban warfare and handling several different kinds of vehicles.” – RJ

Sure, he’s in it for himself and can get distracted by hookers and blow, but what professional athlete isn’t the same way?

23 Luigi – Serpico

“He‘s got the same fireball-shooting, mushroom eating and brick breaking skills as his brother and an extra six inches in height. That, coupled with his league-best jumping skills make him the ferocious rebounder and shotblocker that my team needs.” – Serpico

The man has a major inferiority complex, though. Plus the game’s not called Super Luigi for a reason. He’s like the guy that floats to the top of the autodraft order but usually nobody picks until rounds later, because everyone knows the numbers don’t tell the whole story.

24 Bionic Commando – Perich

“A seasoned veteran, Bionic Commando boasts the strongest arm of any draft pick seen so far. He’s also killed Hitler, making him a fan favorite and a proven talent.” – Perich
“That scandal regarding ‘performance enhancing bionics’ really hurt him. I thought for sure he would go in the 2nd round.” – Fraley

Fan favorites like Mario and Bionic Commando are crucial for increasing fan numbers and getting rallies started. His enhancements might be suspect, but getting the fans excited about the game again is crucial, regardless of the new-found focus on the long ball.

25 Bowser – Ed

(Ed gave no explanation whatsoever for his pick.)

I think this is actually a decent pick. Sure, Mario keeps defeating him, but Bowser keeps coming back. Though slow and not too bright, he is incredibly tough and resilient. And breathes fire. Plus he has tons of loyal kids. Who is their mother supposed to be, anyway?

…And the draft ended there! I suppose means you can blame Will for failing to make it continue, as his pick was next and he never made one. Who would have you picked if you were Willis?

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  • Serpico

    Billy Beane would’ve picked up Luigi.

  • I’m surprised no one picked a grue. I mean, sure, it’s only useful in the dark. But when you turn out the lights, you are likely to be eaten by a grue, and there’s no limits on what “you” can be.

    Mario? Eaten. Megaman? Eaten. Castlevania? If it goes somewhere dark, it gets eaten. And as I recall, it turns into night periodically in Simon’s Quest.

    And it’s got that great move where you waste time asking “what is a grue” the first time you meet one.

  • angryed

    So, is this draft getting picked up on all the bloggedy-blogs now? I am adding the term ‘Jonathan Lee Riches’ so that the odds of someone stumbling into it increases. ..’Jonathan Lee Riches’ ……’Jonathan Lee Riches’ ….

  • I was set to pick up “The Wumpus” next round.

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