Author: Peiser

Reporting live on scene from the city that never sleeps and only showers on rare occasion.

The Horror. The Horror.

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I can’t help but feel like Col. Kurtz, having journeyed these final 17 games into the dreadful jungle, the gnarled heart of darkness, only to find the inescapable truth that there is no prize, no joy, indeed nothing but horror in the end. Here, horror that a team filled with promise should implode so thoroughly; horror that a cadre of players in a superstitious sport would…not…shut…up; horror that the season is truly, completely, and chillingly over on October 1.

I don’t think I have anything particularly clever or meaningful to add to the conversation surrounding the 2007 Mets’ unseemly demise, but neither did the local tabloids. Nobody could, really, because this kind of collective numbed silence invites only further silence. Pictures of dejected fans, splashy oh-cruel-world headlines, and calls for the head of Willie Randolph are just so much noise in the ether. The silence is blistering.

The horror is all that remains.

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TVlog: 5 Minutes of ESPN Firsttake

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Since Jonathan Lee Riches decided to give me a day off by suing Martha Stewart for the benefit of Rachael Ray, I had to come up with a new subject. So, in a first for NerdsOnSports, I’m going to write running commentary on what I’m watching on TV. At 11 AM. I don’t have a job to go to until Monday. So I watch things like “Firsttake” (f/k/a “Cold Pizza”) on TV. It really is this bad.

All times EDT.

11:00: OK, They’re talking about Steve Spurrier’s history vis-a-vis LSU. Interesting, perhaps, but I tuned in right in the middle, so I’m really not sure what the operative thesis is here. I think it’s something about how Spurrier’s had a great coaching career and has performed well against LSU, or hasn’t, either way he’s a football coach. Read More

“Car 54, Where Are You?”

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He’s back at it again. To be sure, he never stopped. Jonathan Lee Riches, the “Litigator Crusader,” f/k/a “the White Suge Knight,” d/b/a “Secured Party” will not be denied:

Plaintiff compels this court to issue an injunction against Jeff Gordon and stop him from: Sticking my head in his exhaust pipe, wife swapping with Jimmie Johnson, picking on kids with big wheels and go carts, driving off without paying at Sunoco stations.

I’m pretty sure this is just becoming how he reacts to something he’s not happy about in the Williamsburg Federal Correctional Institution. Somebody’s watching TV and the volume’s too high? Sue the TV set. Awoken by a tire screech? Sue Jeff Gordon. Riches is (perhaps I’m overreaching here) fairly smart about it, however; he keeps changing venue, thus potentially avoiding some sanctions, not pissing off the same clerk twice, and diversifying the pool of courtroom beat reporters who might pick him up for the mainstream press.

It seems to me that this suit was, measured from filing, the fastest to hit a major media outlet. When I want press, I’ll talk about NASCAR. But I’m gonna try to avoid being “baseless, fantastic and delusional.”

Obscure Sports (Quarterly? Annual? Whenever?)

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And now, selected news from the ‘lesser’ sports!

WOMEN’S LACROSSE!

US U-19 Team threepeats as World Champs! Too bad Mike Nifong wasn’t around to give them some publicity. Lacrosse will hit the popular media only once more, but by then it will be too late.

BOWLING!

New Sponsor for the PBA! Bowling’s not obscure, per se, but its prominence in the firmament of broadcast sporting events seems to have been compromised. Used to be bowling was on all the time, on the ABC or the CBS networkBowler or Koechner; I would see balding men in neatly pressed pants hurl weighty objects every time Grandpa dozed back off during ‘Muppet Babies,’ because I couldn’t muster the strength to turn that gigantic atomic-age channel selector wheel, and thank the good Lord he at least finished chewing the donut this time. Anyway, bowling had a certain I don’t know what in French back then, with national TV coverage, kids having birthday parties at the local lanes (Joey, I know, it’s cool, my invite was lost in the mail) and the widespread availability of Carling Black Label and Schaefer, the beer of choice for guys who bowl and/or look like David Koechner.

Anyway, this article’s pretty upsetting, because the PBA is really, really excited about a sponsorship deal from CLR. You know, that stuff that you’re supposed to put in a comically oversized lab beaker and drown your shower head in, and then they expect you to use it to shower again, even though there’s obviously now a tremendous amount of patently toxic chemicals in every last drop coming out of that… that awful thing, and damn it we have to move again, don’t we. It was like this in Topeka, it was like this in Nashville. You need treatment.

SECRET HAVING!

PostSecret:
Arandano
Man, is that tragic. The deceased probably had to get all her Mexican antioxidant goodness from el jugo de pomegranate.

HIGH SCHOOL WRESTLING! SPECIFICALLY, 96 LB FINAL MATCH AT THE NEW YORK STATE DIVISION 2 WRESTLING CHAMPIONSHIP!

This lengthy YouTube clip–well the part where the kid’s face is being pressed into the ground– is pretty much how I remember high school gym class, but, 96 pounds at age 14? These guys are huge! Seriously, what a pair of fatties! Also, they apparently are very interested in having their heads in each others’ asses. Don’t bother watching beyond the first minute unless you’re one of these kids’ mothers (and if you are, might be a good idea to spring for some better youth wrestling shoes).

(Spoileralert: the kid in blue wins, both are then aggressively wedgied by the guys in the 160 pound division.)

(Last bit: There is an adult-spam comment on the YouTube page; this creeps me out.)

CATS WANTING THINGS!
128298497698595000dontfartpleez.jpg

Getting a Good Look at a T-Bone

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It’s hard out there for a sports-blogger, especially ones like us who work only occasionally and try not to work blue. So for the first time ever, a little “behind-the-scenes” up the butcher’s ass at NerdsOnSports, via gchat between myself and Will. I think I’m pretty much right; there isn’t a single angle on Ookie Mexico that I can come up with which hasn’t been covered by someone already. Except that time he got serious about dolphin-safe tuna…

Anyway, two boring nerds talking ahoy:

12:03 AM Will: I’m supposed to write something for wednesday

my mind is blank

12:06 AM me: you’re better off than me

i’ve been sooo unable to come up with anything

i’m trying to compare wacky japanese USB products to fantasy football picks but…

12:07 AM well…

that’s insane.

Will: yes

me: and it doesn’t work, quite frankly

Will: I believe you could continue your epic

or talk about a game with 30 runs

me: true

12:08 AM “lo, gil meche did commence sucking a fat one right around the all star break”

33 runs, if you add them both together

12:09 AM Will: right

only 6 of them charged to my pitcher

me: wait til next year, GM.

12:10 AM either way: not much else to cover

seems that the problem is blanket coverage

Will: VICK VICK VICK

me: and that proves my point

everything that could be written has been written

well, not EVERYTHING

12:11 AM but we’re getting there

We needed a Wednesday update you say?

12:12 AM Will: well, my day is wednesday

me: we’ll call it collabo then

Oh, and hey, Starbury? Don’t ever, ever open your mouth again. You dumb bastard. Nobody asked you, don’t volunteer it. Matter of fact, that goes for everyone. Quit forgetting the lesson of Bad Dudes: “Never Trouble Trouble ‘Til Trouble Troubles You.”

Mozart’s Next Hit Single

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Jonathan Lee Riches© “Secured Party” D/B/A “The White Suge Knight”
Plaintiff
vs.
Barry Bonds, Allan H. “Bud” Selig, Hank Aaron’s Bat
DefendantsComplaint
“FRAUD AGAINST MANKIND” “BATMAN AND IDENTITY ROBBIN”

Now Barry Bonds conducts his illicit business at an I-70 Steak and Shake. Jonathan Lee Riches© RIDES AGAIN! I wish I had more to say, but this really stands on its own. Hopefully, this will bring down Bonds, Selig, Novak, Hank Aaron’s bat, and those wily nuns.

I do have one question: why did Barry Bonds open his “steroid house” in South Bend? And how did this not implicate any Notre Dame football players? We’ll turn on the investigative journalism flashlight over at Touchdown Jesus’s place and get back to you, dear reader, with the hard-fought truth. It’s out there; Jonathan Lee Riches© isn’t the only one who can ferret it out.

He Had A Hammer

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When Hank Aaron tied and subsequently broke Babe Ruth’s record of 714 Home Runs, the socio-political backdrop involved a great deal of deeply entrenched racism. Hammerin’ Hank played in the South, and his career spanned Brown and Swann— the heyday of the Civil Rights movement, as the Supreme Court dragged the American people into the present, into reality, kicking and screaming. The novel concept that people are people, nobody’s got a god-given right to be held above a fellow human- that took a while to sink in, and still hasn’t quite fully done so. Racism will, sadly, forever dog American history, and will never be fully expelled from our society. Indeed, it’s one of those troubling real-world things that baseball is designed to help us escape. Baseball’s just a game, baseball’s more than a game, baseball is tied to our national soul, baseball’s been racist, baseball’s atoned, baseball will never fully atone.

Hank Aaron’s first two home runs of 1974 were surrounded by death threats, bigotry, excitement, and downright jubilation. It seems terribly exciting- if anyone who remembers it first-hand would comment here I’d appreciate it. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much of an internet in 1974, and pretty much anything contemporaneous about Hank that’s worth reading involves paid archives. So here’s a link to his well-crafted Wikipedia page and the suggestion that you go out and read something about Hank at your local library. He was a quiet, likable titan of sport, from all accounts. Hank played in the Negro Leagues, the “separate but equal” place to see damn fine baseball through most of the 20th Century, at the beginning of his career, and went from there to a long career as one of the super-elite three or four most consistent offensive producers in baseball’s history (Ruth, Williams, Cobb, I’d say).

Here’s a teaser for what looks to be a pretty decent documentary on Hank’s time with the Eau Claire Bears: Youtube.

And now Barry Bonds. He’s tied Aaron. The internet has it covered. He’s no pioneer, he’s a cheater, he’s a terrific hitter, he’s a circus, he’s ultimately a letdown. I prefer to cling to 755 as the important number, wherever Barry ends up, and to celebrate Aaron, and pretty much agree with the Atlanta Journal-Constitution’s Terrence Moore:

Actually, Aaron is still in it, but in a wonderful way. Whenever those among the public hear Bonds’ name, either positively or negatively, they usually hear Aaron’s name soon afterward. Not only that, when Aaron’s name does surface during conversations involving Bonds, Aaron’s name often is surrounded by implied hugs and kisses. In fact, Bonds once told me with a smile at his locker at San Francisco’s AT&T Park, “I’m helping to keep Hank’s name out there.”

That’s nice of Bonds, but Aaron really doesn’t need his help. For 23 Hall of Fame seasons without the hint of scandal, the eternal king of home-run kings helped himself, thank you.

Unlike George Herman Ruth last time around, Aaron’s still alive, and I think he’s been pretty classy- all things considered. We can only speculate what Ruth would have said or done in April 1974, but I personally doubt he would have taken things in stride; I mean, I get pissed when my bar trivia scores get beaten, I can’t imagine if I had the all-time home run record.

Can’t wait to see how Barry handles it. C’mon, A-Rod.

Onwards to Vick-tory!

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Jonathan Lee Riches is my new hero. Oh, wait, sorry, I meant Jonathan Lee Riches©. Nothing warms my heart like a seriously disturbed pro se litigant suing a dog-fighting, herpes-passing, ganja-toting NFL player in federal court.

He’s done what none of us non-Federal-inmates have had the stones to do, and sued Michael Vick. The allegations seem to ‘focus’ -if that word is even close to appropriate- on Vick’s penchant for stealing this guy’s dogs and “using his copyrights.” This last the nefarious Vick accomplished by “selling T-shirts, Jonathan Lee Riches mugs.” Funny, I didn’t know Vick used another alias.  Mr Riches© seeks 63 BILLION dollars in damages.  I mean, the poor QB’s already got PETA, the FBI, the IRS, the NFL, and I think Baskin-Robbins gunning for him; does he need to get hit with a crazy suit right now?  (Yes, of course it will be tossed from court; Michael Vick is not a federal agent open to a Bivens action… at least, I don’t think he is.)

Nutty lawsuits, even those handwritten from prison but dressed in the expected formalities, are nothing new. But there’s something special about this guy; this isn’t the first time he’s done this.  Jonathan Lee Riches is the Mozart of deranged lawsuits. There’s Riches v. Bush et al., a suit filed last year in the Eastern District of Pennsylvania which named Chris Berman, Green Bay’s Lambeau Field, the Ming Dynasty, eBay, and the Statue of Liberty as defendants. Also Malcom X, Vanna White, and Michelangelo. And Waffle House. Also the Hubble Telescope, Expedia, and Emeka Okafor.  Depositions must have been a gas- gotta feel for the paralegal who was dispatched to find Jimmy Hoffa.

I can’t say he’s entirely in the wrong. He did sue the drafters of the Uniform Commercial Code.  Can’t wait to see what he does next.

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