[Business Day One] The Championship Analysis
The pundits weigh in, as they always do. But I don’t trust pundits. They said the Celtics would lose to the Pistons in six, and we proven wrong as Boston battled to a series win in six. Pundits say all kinds of things, and we believe them despite the fact that their credentials involve a degree in journalism and watching slightly more basketball than the average diehard.
Well, screw them. Screw them, and to heck with us for trusting their opinion. Forty-something white men don’t know jack about what’s going to happen on the hardwood this week. The game has too many moving parts and relies too much on questionable foul calls and suddenly hot shooting hands to be predicted with any sort of certainty. I’ve never heard of a sports bookie quitting the business because his customers got it right too many times.
So, as an alternative to these men masquerading as fortune-tellers, I have devised a different way to predict what will happen in the NBA Finals. The difference, however, between me and the gurus is that I am not going to try and convince you that my logic makes any sense. I used five Celtics/Lakers prediction methodologies to determine how this thing would end. Let’s jump in, shall we?
A Coin Flip – Celtics are heads, as they are from Boston, the education capital of the world. Lakers are tails, since California looks like a well-sculpted butt.
Result: Tails, Lakers
A Game Of Smash Brothers: Brawl – I played as the Celtics (Marth, a heady defensive minded player), and set the computer to Lakers ( on Very Hard, a shoot-first guy with a lot of range).
Result: Marth, Celtics
Last Thing On The Plate – I ate a cobb salad for dinner yesterday, and decided that if the last thing on my plate was a Celtic-green piece of lettuce, then Boston gets a point. If it was anything else, Lakers.
Result: Chunk of bacon, Lakers
Ashmont/Braintree – I either take an Ashmont Train or a Braintree Train to work in the morning. Ashmont was Lakers, Braintree was Celtics.
Result: “This is a Braintree Train. Braintree. Please stand clear of the doors. They will be closing,” Celtics
A Tradition of Baseball Success – I was unsure of who had a better record, the Los Angeles Dodgers or the Boston Red Sox. What? It’s the NL West. Who cares? So I looked it up.
Result: Red Sox (apparently the Dodges are under .500, who knew?), Celtics
After tabulating the scores, it looks like 3 out of the 5 measures I used came up for the Celtics. How about that? Looks like another championship is coming to Boston. To see how many games it’ll take for the East squad to beat the West squad, I used the “Random” Function in Microsoft Excel.
Result: 7, Celtics in 7
Looks to be an exciting series! Place your bets, everyone.