Nerds on Sports

Before I get into this, let me just start by saying that I hate Hank Steinbrenner . I think he embarrasses himself, shames the Yankees, and humiliates fans. He’s like a belligerent uncle, cornering nieces and nephews at a family barbecue and screaming at them to study accounting because "there’s good *hiccup* money in it, you idiots." You can go to hell, you laughable, craggy-faced bastard. Go to hell.

Whew, glad I got that out of my system.

Anyway, down to business. It’s a great day for a Boston Marathon . The sun is just starting to crack the cloud cover, the temperature is around fifty degrees and the elite runners are already. I was going to talk about the marathon last year, but I was derailed by a string of horribly unfair injuries to the Yankees pitching staff . This year, the only thing wrong with the Bombers is the loud mouthed ownership, so I can go about my duties unhindered.

I lived on Commonwealth Avenue during my final two years of college . As a junior, I watched it from a second floor apartment just past Heartbreak Hill, and as a senior I kept an eye on it as I was walking back to campus from a job interview downtown. The atmosphere along the marathon route is a very strange kind of electric. Everyone is cheering, more or less nonstop, for the entire duration of the race. The moment runners get into view, hoots and hollers go up and stay up. Once the main packs start passing, there is a long, sustained cheer that just doesn’t let up. Sure, people will take a break to enjoy a sausage or drink some oddly non-clear liquid from a water bottle, but there’s this feeling in the crowd that most of them need to be cheering at any given point. There’s an unspoken agreement between the throngs that line the road; the runners are doing the hart part, so we have to at least do the easy part.

Boston is paradise for a sports fan. You can join the Mardi Gras-esque party crowds for the 81 Red Sox home games per year. You can enjoy the hats and gloves all day tailgate at Gillette Stadium. You can see the entire population of Western Mass. at a Bruins game and all of the obscenely knowledgeable homers at a Celtics game. Something for everybody, really. Four distinct crowds, four distinct vibes. But the Marathon is so unique because it brings together so many things. It combines the picnic feel of an afternoon in Foxboro with the pastoral relaxation of a PawSox game. You get the lamp-lighting surges of joy, and the moments where the crowd wills their team to make a hard stand. If you want to research fan behavior, go see a Boston Marathon. You’ll get everything good about sport in one stop.

Enjoy race day, everyone. Don’t stop cheering. They’re not going to stop running.

Here are the exciting storylines I get to deal with as a Yankees fan this spring:

-Andy Pettitte looked decent in his Spring Training Debut, despite having to fly back and forth to Washington, DC for steroid and HGH investigation related issues.

-Lying blowhard Hank Steinbrenner descended further into self-parody after being forcibly inducted into Red Sox Nation by Boston owner John Henry.

-A bizarre cult has developed around Joba Chamberlain, a pitcher with 24 innings of professional experience.

-Yankees fans are beginning to realize how close we actually came to losing Robinson Cano and sweating at night thinking about it.

-Fans are expecting Michelle Damon to be more productive than Johnny Damon in 2008.

So this is what I’m dealing with.  Let’s Go Yanks.

More than once in the last few months I’ve heard someone ask, “What business does Congress have investigating steroid and HGH use in Major League Baseball?” And while I agree that it’s stupid, and a waste of time (and possibly wrong), there is precedent.

Not everyone knows that Major League Baseball has a special exemption to the Sherman Antitrust Act, the 1890 law that governs how inter-state businesses may conduct themselves without being prosecuted as monopolies. MLB is a monopoly. They have wielded that power explicitly in the past, most famously to prevent players from separating themselves from teams and to prevent teams from moving to different cities.

There’s no actual law on the books that says, “Major League Baseball is exempt from antitrust regulations,” but there’s the next best thing: eighty years of court precedent. In 1922, Oliver Wendell Holmes wrote the majority opinion on Federal Baseball Club of Baltimore vs. National League of Professional Baseball Clubs, saying that the “interstate commerce clause” didn’t technically govern interstate travel to play away games. The exemption was upheld in 1953 (Toolson v. New York Yankees), when the Supreme Court said that “Congress had no intention of including the business of baseball within the scope of the federal antitrust laws.”

So Major League Baseball lives in a special legal pocket. Is that the only thing getting Congress’ attention?

Not quite. Almost all MLB teams and stadiums reap the rewards of sweetheart deals with local politicians. The New York Yankees have been deducting five million dollars a year from their taxes since 2001. Tampa Bay’s no longer getting a sixty million dollar sales tax refund on their new stadium, but they’re still hoping the state of Florida will sell them the new land at a discount. Breaks like these always come in the name of “creating jobs” (out of what? fairy dust and wishes?) or “revitalizing” a particular neighborhood.

All politics is local, as Tip O’Neill famously observed, and he was Speaker of the House. A member of Congress answers to their constituents. They answer to the local party machine: the neighborhood wards that run their campaign ads and put up their posters. So the state of Arizona’s investment in the Diamondbacks gives John McCain an interest, justified or not, in how MLB conducts its affairs.

Finally, recall that the President becomes the de facto pace-setter of the party he represents. Recall also that the Republicans controlled Congress for years, even if they’re no longer the majority, so they have most of the plum committee seats. And above all else, recall that the current President is the former owner of the Texas Rangers. If that doesn’t tell you enough about Congress’s interest in baseball, then go back to reading the funny pages.

Since I’m a no-good, unimaginative hack, I am going to take the same questions Serpico answered, and answer them myself. This isn’t the first time I’ve done something like this. But before I get into the letters, I have to get something off of my chest.

The New York Football Giants are a terrible football team. Ever since Serpico was a wee lad, the giants have been terrible. Remember in 1995 when the Patriots were terrible. They were a 6-10 team, but the Giants were worse — 5-11. Or how about 1997 when both the Patriots and the Giants won their respective divisions. The Giants were worse due to losing in the wild card round.

All I’m saying is that Serpico doesn’t like terrible teams — He actually stopped caring about baseball when the Yankees didn’t have the best record in baseball this year. How can I prove it? He had to email me on the deadline to fix his fantasy baseball lineup for a playoffs week. So I have an answer for Serpico: Follow the Patriots. You are a fair weather fan and we all know it. Just find the biggest band wagon, grab your instrument, and hop on.

Now for the actual questions. Read more »

One guy played the game. The other guy didn’t. One guy still works in the business; the other one doesn’t. They both still have the itch, the passion, the unceasing desire to stand in the spotlight and earn their laurel as winner. And so both of these men bravely spout declarations and pronouncements without the plague of having to stop and listen to their words. It’s understandable when you’re out of the limelight for a long time, and then one day you get a phone call from a reporter, which becomes two, than three, than throngs. A fair mix of blowhards and enablers called national sports media remains all too eager to hold out the tape recorder and focus the camera. Mercury Morris, Hank Steinbrenner, welcome to the Quotable Club! Read more »

So the baseball winter meetings are happening right now. There are rumors flying through the air like monkeys from the boobs of a sorceress (Tin Man reference). Rumors about Santana going everywhere — From Boston to Los Angeles or somewhere in New York to playing on the Canadian curling team. Baseball rumors are crazy right now.

Also, why do they call it hot stove? Is it because they are cooking something wacky? Perhaps the GM’s are frying up some delicious prospects to tempt another owner? Ok, so maybe it’s because these trade meetings happen in the winter and you have to gather around a “hot stove” to keep warm for the discussions. But how cold can it be in Nashville? 30 degrees at night — Ok, but how cold can it be in the Gaylord Resort? Yeah, all these older gentlemen are gathering at the Gaylord. Take it as you will.

Now that we’re past the gay stuff, on to the trades and rumors. Read more »

Somehow the Yankees writing falls to me. Who’d've thought?

Big news yesterday - A-Rod opted out of his contract with the Yankees. He gave up $72 million in owed salary, which means the Yankees gave up $21.3 million from the Rangers. George Steinbrenner’s son Hank made clear that no effort would be made to reacquire him.

There’s nothing more bizarre to me than the way New York sports fans and media treated Alex Rodriguez. They routinely savaged the best baseball player in a decade for not being a “clutch hitter” or falling flat in the postseason. They mocked or maligned him for only being “in it for the money,” as opposed to all the other mercenaries with hearts of gold that comprise the Yankees roster. First in the American League in home runs, runs and on-base percentage plus slugging? Screw him.

Scott Boras, A-Rod’s high profile agent, made this announcement midway through Game 4 of the World Series. He notified Brian Cashman by way of a voice mail. The timing of the message - during the final game of a World Series sweep by New York’s closest rival - plus the delivery suggest a cool and bitter parting. So be it.

Here’s the thing: if A-Rod’s after money, he ain’t getting it. The only two teams that can supply the salary he’s accustomed to are the Yankees and the Red Sox (who don’t want him). The Giants can’t. The Phillies can’t. The Cubs can’t. So what does the most hated man in baseball - and how does a man as talented as A-Rod get that appellation - want?

The ring, of course. The one ring to rule them all.
Read more »

Dear New York Yankee Player,

Our hearts go out to you after your untimely defeat in the American League Divisional Series. (If it were up to us, we’d bring DDT back to get rid of those bugs!) We here at the Yankee front office counted on an invincible romp to the 27th world championship, but also made contingency plans as well in the unlikely event of your defeat. (When A-Rod went deep in Game 4 we swear we saw the bases loaded!)

Since many of your leases don’t run out until November 1, the office put together a list of “fun finds” and “attractive attractions” for you during the month. October is the most beautiful time of year in the Big Apple — not that you guys would need to know! (We’re having a parade for you anyway, right in a portion of the Lincoln Tunnel!) So while you lie in bed, waiting for the season to end, here’s a guide to the City That Never Sleeps! Read more »