Nerds on Sports

Why don’t we rank the best NBA Finals?

You can’t walk a straight line in bookstores without stumbling over some Greatest Super Bowls tome or The Fall Classic: We Remember solemnly poking out from the shelves. The NBA’s championship is far more suspect, the nature of the game makes seven taut games nearly impossible. Stars, or even simply good players, on a championship team account for 20+% of a team’s output on the court. Losing that for one game mostly ensures defeat. Home court is also advantageous for an NBA team in the playoffs more than hockey (where just playing seems to be the important thing), football (no home advantage in a Super Bowl), or even baseball (pitching matchups dictate advantages). Look at the New Orleans - San Antonio series, with seven grueling games providing a dinghy’s worth of highlights. Every other game was a blowout, double digit homecourt slapping, while only Game Seven met its classic billing, where a road team actually won a close game. Jannero Pargo missed a 3 pointer to tie the game up with two minutes left, Tony Parker glided over a Tim Duncan screen and stroked a j, and that was the whole piñata. The final result exists like some propaganda; the Spurs only won because someone told you they did. Who are you to remember any of it? Read more »

Tennessee coach Pat Summitt and UConn coach Geno Auriemma are baffled over new developments.

TAMPA, FL–The UConn Women’s Huskies and Tennessee Lady Volunteers’ NCAA Women’s Championship basketball game has been hijacked this month by sixty-two additional games played by some 60+ additional teams. The championship, previously scheduled for March 12, will be pushed all the way to April 8. Some of these charlatan universities inexplicably challenged the two schools to matchups themselves.

“It’s just rude, quite frankly,” said UConn coach Geno Auriemma. “Our girls were looking forward to our annual preordained slugfest when I got a call from Erica (Naughton, NCAA “Selection Committee”) ordering me to face off against this Cornell school, or something. Never heard of them. Then we had to keep playing more until she was satisfied. I told her, ‘Yeah, sure I’ll play Rutgers, and beat them in the friggin’ regular season finale a month ago’, but she had none of it. Politics, maybe.”

Less understanding were the players themselves. All-American freshman Maya Moore wondered aloud why so many other teams faced off across the country. “I don’t understand what these ‘Regional Tournaments’ are. Is this like, for charity?” Moore said, flipping through the scouting reports of Tennessee offenses as she has each day since mid-October. “It’s very weird.”

“What the hell’s a Texas A&M?” asked Tennessee forward Candace Parker. Read more »

A friend of mine came to me with a dilemma this weekend, and I’m going to share it with all of you.  This friend (we’ll call him Marcelo) is a big basketball fan and wants to purchase a jersey that says as much.  The problem is that he’s just not certain what to buy.  See, hoops merch is loaded stuff.  With baseball or football uniforms, you’re looking at the team emblem more than the player name.  A Tom Brady Jersey is roughly equal to a Tedy Bruschi jersey in the grand scheme of things.  They both show that you’re a Patriots fan and that you have some disposable income to dispose of.  If you’re in a Johnny Bench jersey, it means that you’re a Reds fan and likely have been for a while.  Fairly straightforward.

But basketball is a different kind of thing.  It’s a game of individuals.  With five per side on the hardwood, individual players have a tremendous impact on the game.  And since they don’t wear hats, pads, face cages, or mouth guards, you can see their face and hear their smack talk.  Of all the four major sports, basketball is the one that lends itself the most to fans learning what kind of personality an athlete has based on the game they play.  You can see the Charge Of The Light Brigade-style determination in Kevin Garnett’s eyes.  You can muse over the inhuman level of calm on Chris Paul’s face.  You can gaze in fear at the “WHAT, MAN!  I GOT NOTHING TO LOSE!!!” rage painted on Rasheed Wallace.  You’re more informed about what’s going on with these men than you are with what’s happening behind Joe Mauer’s catcher’s mask.

Combine that “game of individuals” mentality with the “you ain’t nothing if you don’t play at Rucker” grittiness that permeates the game and you can get a sense of why the average suburban youth (or in Marcelo’s case, the average lawyer from Guam) can experience difficulty in choosing the perfect jersey.

So here’s a bit of a guide on what to look for in a jersey.  After all, you should feel as comfortable wearing it as the pro’s do. Read more »

It had all been going so well for the Houston Rockets. They were making a solid playoff push in the hellacious Western Conference, undefeated for the past month. Under first-year skipper Rick Adelman and a still-stingy defense left over from Jeff Van Gundy, the Toyota Center was rocking from the opening tip to Rafer Alston’s dribbling out the clock. Houston’s win streak didn’t exactly catapult them up the ladder but it did solidify them as a team to contend with, especially in a season where the playoffs might end up looking like hockey’s: an utterly chaotic grind, no one safe, duck and cover. Even Tracy McGrady was getting his proper love. The cousin in Vince Carter’s grand and unnecessary shadow, McGrady is going on four years with his third team, and as option #1A on the Rockets, the 28 year old was hitting his prime in stride, piloting Houston to a 12th straight victory with a 110-97 dub over the Bulls. The very next day, according to the entirety of the voices covering the NBA, their beatdown of Chicago became the high point of the season.

See, that day franchise center and all-around tall man Yao Ming went down for the season. Read more »

It’s been three weeks since the Patriots gagged away the Super Bowl on a house blitz. I’ve kept down food for six days now and the green/red contrast isn’t blurring anymore, so Doc. Eakin gave me the a-okay to get writing again. She was wonderful, thank you, Doctor! Whenever I clamp down on a wood bit, I’ll think of you. Here’s what you may have missed:

-The NBA has seen been blown around by trade winds in the past two weeks, but the end result is the same: the Western Conference is strong. The addition of Pau Gasol to the Lakers makes LA a playoff favorite; their late game lineup of Derek Fisher/Jordan Farmar, Kobe, Lamar Odom, Gasol, and the returning Andrew Bynum may be the strongest in the league. There are questions about depth, but in a thirty team league depth, like chemistry, only matters if you absolutely lack it. Speaking of chemistry, Shawn Marion, who freely admitted he’d prefer to be a top dog on a terrible team, can now spread his team play and joys on the charred, crippled remains of the Miami Heat. With Shaquille O’Neal now manning the post for Phoenix, the big beneficiary of this deal is Amare Stoudamire. Back at power forward he terrorized the Lakers for 37 points and 15 boards Wednesday night. Jason Kidd’s return to Dallas is a win-now move which will put more pressure on Josh Howard to boost his 20 PPG average. The Spurs (Kurt Thomas), Hornets (Bonzi Wells), and the Jazz (Kyle Korver a few weeks ago) also made deals, lifting the fortunes of the top six teams in the West. To be fair to the East, the Cavs got Ben Wallace’s corpse! Read more »

A week and a half ago while on a business trip to the fine city of Dallas, TX, I was able to score some tickets to a Dallas Mavericks v Phoenix Suns game (thanks Stub Hub). I don’t know if all the games that happen at the American Airlines Center are that good, but for me, it’s 100% accurate so I’m just going to assume all games are similar.

First off, there is the American Airlines Center which is a large television screen covered and wi-fi enabled arena sponsored by Mr. Mark Cuban. I’m not joking about thebeing covered in TVs. The main entrance has 2 moving screens that flank the big screen above the doors. Oh, and there was another one before you got to those 3.

Once we got past all the screens, we went into the arena and sat down in the Jack Danial’s restaurant by the buffet and watched the Celtics get their third loss. The close game and sad outcome for the boys in green left a bad taste in my mouth. That was quickly remedied but a delicious pile of smores. After I had had my fill of deliciousness, it was time for some basketball, and we headed to our seats — as far back and away from the floor as possible. Read more »

It’s Christmastime in my neck of the woods, and that means it’s the season for giftgiving and merrymaking. Since I am in a giving mood, I’ve decided to curl up by the hot-stove fire and share with you my one Christmas wish for the 2007 season. Without further ado:

It’s for the Atlanta Hawks, and it’s a good basketball team. Poor Atlanta. Their baseball team is no longer the juggernaut it once was in the days of My So Called Life and Democratic Party competence. Their football team apparently folded at the completion of last season. Their hockey team isn’t important enough for me to even look up to make a joke (I know they are the Thrashers and that one should not joke about cars in regards to them). And the Atlanta Hawks, oh dearie me, the Hawks are 14-12, bolstered by their decent 9-6 home record. Oh, but it is often a cruel and disappointingly temperate winter in Peachland, and the Hawks have never so much as reached a conference final in their history. In 1969, they lost to the Lakers in the Western Division Final, but “Western Division Final” should give you a good idea as to how friggin’ long ago that was. It may be said that the Hawks have never had a season for fans to discuss with great pride; the ‘94 campaign boasted 57 wins and an embarrassing second round flameout against the young Indiana Pacers.

To me Atlanta has boasted an inordinate amount of likable players over the years; I think of Doc Rivers, Dominique Wilkins, Mookie Blaylock, Stacy Augmon, 58 year old Kevin Willis, and the vexing stopovers of Shareef Abdul-Rahim, JR Rider, and Antoine Walker. Even their coach, the reserved and decent Lenny Wilkens, was a Providence College alum, instantly making him my beloved family. (He’s the winningest and losingest coach in NBA history, if you remember. You probably don’t.) To see this franchise year-in and year-out take up 25 seconds of highlight time 43 minutes into Sportscenter saddens me, if only because they deserve something for not moving by now. Flash forward to this year, with Joe Johnson, the Joshes (Smith and Childress), and Marvin Williams running the show, with rookie duo Al Horford and Acie Law IV providing a glimpse of the future. Under the totally anonymous leadership of Mike Woodson, the Hawks could very feasibly make the playoffs this season, ending a NBA-leading eight year drought. Who wouldn’t root for the Hawks?

Have a Merry Christmas, or don’t. Either way, take Tuesday off.

15,374 days.

That’s how long it’s been. Some days it snows and some days the sun burns your skin as you wait for your bus and some days Presidents are impeached and some days, some glorious, magical days, fate smiles upon you and yours and leaves you the ultimate champion. Jerry Sloan is waiting for that day. Read more »