Nerds on Sports

Why don’t we rank the best NBA Finals?

You can’t walk a straight line in bookstores without stumbling over some Greatest Super Bowls tome or The Fall Classic: We Remember solemnly poking out from the shelves. The NBA’s championship is far more suspect, the nature of the game makes seven taut games nearly impossible. Stars, or even simply good players, on a championship team account for 20+% of a team’s output on the court. Losing that for one game mostly ensures defeat. Home court is also advantageous for an NBA team in the playoffs more than hockey (where just playing seems to be the important thing), football (no home advantage in a Super Bowl), or even baseball (pitching matchups dictate advantages). Look at the New Orleans - San Antonio series, with seven grueling games providing a dinghy’s worth of highlights. Every other game was a blowout, double digit homecourt slapping, while only Game Seven met its classic billing, where a road team actually won a close game. Jannero Pargo missed a 3 pointer to tie the game up with two minutes left, Tony Parker glided over a Tim Duncan screen and stroked a j, and that was the whole piñata. The final result exists like some propaganda; the Spurs only won because someone told you they did. Who are you to remember any of it? Read more »

It is my solemn promise to never miss a Business Day One post.  I hold this vow so sacred that I will write an entry even after the internet loses the original one that I put three hours into writing.  Such is the indomitable nature of my will.

So here is a post of rage, of frustration and of hate.  A list of everything in sports that I cannot stand.  That makes me question why I even follow the exploits of men playing a game.  Come, hate with me.

The Business Day One List of Things I Hate About Sports:

-Players Thanking God – God doesn’t care about you, or how crisp your cutback move was on that fourth and short at the goal line.  God didn’t give you extra quicks, nor did he somehow divinely smite your opponents, causing them to misjudge the snap count.  It was you, Bible Thumping Fullback.  Not God.  Just you.  You were in the gym, not God.  God, or any other power you believe in, has no interest in the game you play.  And if He does, He’s no more interested in you than He is in your opponent.  You’re the one that wins and loses, not God.

-The Coach “Losing His Touch” – Coaches don’t somehow forget how to coach between one season and the next.  It is the job of the sports commentator, however, to write garbage like that to sell papers and get traffic to their website.  Sure, over decades, if a coach doesn’t change, then the game passes him by.  But in the offseason?  No.  That’s now how the human mind works.

-The Fan That Screams At A Player – Do not boo a player on your team, and do not ask “how can you miss that shot?”  Not ever.  You can’t dribble, balding guy with the Garnett jersey.  You can’t throw a tight spiral, Packers hat wearer.  You can’t get slam-tackled by a linebacker and then get to your feet, shake off a car accident’s worth of trauma and get back in the huddle.  You can’t, fans.  You can’t do that, nor can you understand how difficult it is to do.  Sure, they get paid millions.  But they get paid millions because one time out of three, they can put a ball in play off one of the 200 best pitchers in the world.  They get paid millions because they can hit a jumper with a hand in their face in front of twenty thousand people at the buzzer.  They get paid millions because they can do what you, your friends or anyone you have ever met in your life cannot do.  So don’t boo your own, people.  And don’t sit on your couch and say “even I could’ve gotten a yard there.”  You clearly have no idea.

-Screaming Children At The Ballpark – You spent $200 per seat for the game, dude.  Spend an extra $50 and get a babysitter.  I mean, please.  Please, you jerk.  Don’t bother everyone in the section.

-The Sports Website Post Upload System With Technical Difficulties – Thank you for ruining my day.

Hi folks, I’m on the road, a day removed from taking in a Safeco Field and soaking in the sites and sounds of Seattle. Despite the fact that I have no internet access, I am still honoring my solemn duty to provide you all with your weekly helping of Business Day One.  In previous weeks, I have handed out my Salute to Nerds In Sports to the very deserving Tim Duncan and Mike Mussina.

But this week, I’m honoring a story, told nearly a decade ago, about what may likely be the single greatest nerdy sports event in history. Doug Glanville, a nerd, homered twice in one game off of fellow nerd Curt Schilling.  His reason was revenge.  Sweet, brilliant revenge. So enjoy it, world.  And salute the redemption of Bingbong!

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to eat five pounds of smoked salmon.

The New York Times recent came up with a flowchart based on being exposed to Dungeons and Dragons at an early age. There are 2 reasons I am posting this here.

The first is that Fantasy Baseball is listed as one of the nerdy things that comes about from being exposed to Dungeons and Dragons. So the New York Times is saying that if you play fantasy baseball then you are a nerd. Don’t try to disagree, you know the Gray Lady cannot do wrong.

The second reason for this post is because I have to… The chart has blogging about the chart as something that a nerd like myself would do, and who am I to stand in the way?

[Full Chart]

When your Nerds On Sports columnist screws up, the error is admitted immediately. Or whenever we need to fill some space.

Thus: I was wrong about Kevin Garnett:

All the rage in Boston today is over the late night Kevin Garnett trade. And I’m certainly excited for Boston to get him - devil knows the Celtics could use anything up to and including Boston College-level point shaving to get a winning season again.

But apparently, you can get one player in exchange for “five players and two draft picks” and still come out ahead on the deal.

This makes no sense to me. It doesn’t even read right. Imagine Bill Belichick trading eleven players and the second and third round draft picks in exchange for Carson Palmer. Imagine Billy Beane trading his first, second and third basemen for Tom Gorzelanny.

Joke’s on me, apparently, because one player does in fact make all the difference if that player’s name is Kevin Garnett. The Celtics climbed from the basement (this time last year) to championship contenders, playing the Cavaliers tonight.

And it’s all thanks to KG. Credit the man for being in the top ten of Eastern conference rebounders. He’s also brought a new level of professionalism to the clubhouse, with his sunny smile contrasting the legendary sullenness of Paul Pierce.

So nice work, Celtics, and good luck against LeBron. I’m glad to be wrong about you.

Last week, Tim Duncan was duly saluted by Business Day One for his stunning contributions to both sports history and nerd culture.  For this week’s salute, we look to the baseball diamond, where a geek has been outthinking hitters for eighteen years.  Michael Cole Mussina, we salute you.  And here’s why.

To be a pitcher that throws into one’s late thirties, you need to be smart.  You must adjust your repertoire over time as your velocity decreases, and change your approach against batters that have seen you dozens of times.  To be a competant starter for two decades takes fortitude and substantial wits.  Mike Mussina has both, and has enough of both that he has some to spare.  The Moose (a nerdy nickname if I’ve ever heard one) loves crossword puzzles.  He doesn’t just love them, but he’s excellent at them, as evidenced by his appearance in the documentary Wordplay.  That’s right, he’s so into crossword puzzles that he jumped at the change to be a part of a documentary about crossword puzzles.

His intelligence manifested itself early, in his hometown of Montoursville, Pennsylvania.  He was nearly the valedictorian of his high school, which was no small feat considering he was also spending countless hours becomming as good a pitcher as he could be.  He plowed through Stanford in three years and came out with an economics degree and gaudy enough college numbers to spark interest from the Baltimore Orioles.

A crossword enthusiast with a Stanford degree and over 250 career wins in the AL East definitely has the credentials for a Nerds In Sports Salute, but Moose decided to put one last bit of icing on the cake.

Apparently, when he checks into hotels, he uses the pseudonym of Simon Phoenix.

That’s right, Demoliton Man’s Simon Phoenix.

Mike Mussina, on behalf of Nerds on Sports and the San Angeles Police Department, we salute you.

Baseball season’s over! And nobody cares about NBA playoffs! It’s time for the second most riveting time of the year: the NFL draft!

Here are some highlights:

#1: Miami Fish: Jake Long, OT. The only OT to go first since 1967.

#2: St. Luda Rams: Chris Long, DE. Some brief camera time with Suzy Kolber proved that Chris not only runs faster and hits harder than his father Howie, but also speaks at least as well. He’s practically guaranteed a cushy commentary job when he retires, so Chris has locked his future down.

#3: Hotlanta Falcons: Matt Ryan, QB. Chris Berman described Ryan as “personable,” a comment painstakingly crafted to avoid any argument. Writers slaved over copy for hours to come up with such a non-controversial remark. “Can we say he shows promise?” “Maybe, but …” “He’s cool under pressure!” “Except when he’s throwing picks.” “Hell, stick with ‘personable’ and keep going.”

#4: Chokeland Raiders: Darren McFadden, RB. I caught a bit of Michael Smith’s interview with McFadden on ESPN earlier this week. Berman and Kiper revisited it on Saturday. “Darren McFadden: violent thug or criminal mastermind?” wasn’t quite the tone, but it was close. My take: a man who’s never been to jail, who stands by his family of crack addicts and gangsters and who takes responsibility for children he may have fathered - even before the paternity tests come back - shines like a cherub at the right hand of God in today’s NFL. Put that man on a poster.

#5: Kansas City Chefs: Glenn Dorsey, DT. I like Dorsey the most of any of the first rounders. Suzy Kolber caught him after he walked off stage, commenting on his visible emotion when he took a phone call in the green room. “It was the general manager,” Dorsey said, “asking me if I’d like to be a Chief. And I said I’d love to. And then they put the head coach [Herm Edwards] on the line. He asked, ‘You think you can help our defense out this year?’ And I said, ‘Yes sir, I surely will.’” Dorsey didn’t relay any of the rest of the conversation, though, on the subject of how bad the Chiefs’ defense is, Edwards probably didn’t lack for conversation.

#6: New York Jetropolitans: Vernon Gholston, DE. Commissioner Goodell addressed this draft pick to “Jets fans,” meaning the hundred or so people packed into the auditorium who’d been issuing a steady stream of boos for the last 45 minutes. I don’t want to say Jets fans are the worst fans in American football: the Missoula Babyspikers have a particularly grotesque halftime show, and the less said about the Portland Luftwaffe the better. About Gholston: he’s played competitively both at linebacker and at defensive end, making him a coveted multi-tool player. Which should be handy for the multiple tools filling the seats at Jets Stadium every year.

#7: New Orleans Aints: Sedrick Ellis, DT. Our first bit of draft chicanery. Bill Belichick, crafty sonuvabitch^* that he is, traded the 49ers for a first round pick - and then traded this #7 spot with New Orleans! Always thinking, that guy.

#8: Jacksonville Jagoffs, Derrick Harvey, DE. Perich at T-minus-five minutes: All right! #8! The Ravens can snatch up Dominique Rogers-Cromartie! Perich at T-minus-two minutes: The Ravens traded their draft pick? Newsome! Harbaugh! What are you thinking? Perich at T-plus-five minutes: Okay, so they traded 1 draft pick for 3 others. All right. It’s cool. We’re all cool here. I’ll clean that beer off the wall later.

#9: Cincinnati Bangles, Keith Rivers, LB. The integrity of the draft gets compromised! Hidden cameras in the Rivers’ household^** capture young master Rivers receiving a phone call. His college chum then hands him a Bengals cap, which he proudly and prominently wears for many minutes before Commission Goodell can take the stage! Shock and horror! Dishonor and taint! We learned what team he’d be playing on before we were supposed to! What’s next?

#10: New England Patsies, Read more »

As of right NOW, the Tampa Bay Rays and Baltimore Orioles are tied for first place in the AL East, percentage points ahead of the Boston Red Sox and a game and a half clear of the New York Yankees.

They will start a three game series tomorrow, the winner of which will almost assuredly lead the AL East alone at the beginning of May.

Time for ESPN to start giving us all that goddamn Rays-Orioles coverage we’re so used to seeing. Really gents, overkill methinks.