Nerds on Sports

[Business Day One] Where, Oh Where, Michael Vick

Serpico — Mon, 17 Nov 2008 16:35:29 +0000

My girlfriend is a Patriots fan, but her knowledge of the NFL in general isn’t terribly thorough (and by that, I mean that she knows who Peyton Manning is and that’s pretty much it). So when she struck up conversation on Michael Vick and whether or not he’d come back into the league, I was just a touch surprised. It goes to show you the kind of notoriety you can get from being a monster. Anyway, she wanted my opinion on what Vick’s options were once his 23 month prison sentence was over (which will be in the summer of 2009). Her father, a fairly knowledgeable NFL fan, went as far as to say that almost every team in the league would have interest. While I wouldn’t go that far, I can think of four that would likely make a couple of phone calls.

So let’s go through them, in order of least to most likely:

Number 4: The Cincinnati Bengals

After spending five unsuccessful minutes trying to come up with a more clever opener than “It’s not like they’re above hiring criminals,” I’ve resigned myself to the fact that the best way to describe the situation is that the Bengals really are simply not above hiring criminals.

In fact, the situation in Cincy wouldn’t be that bad for Vick. Carson Palmer will be the unquestioned starter next year, and this year proves that the team has a gap at back-up quarterback (apparently, Harvard’s courseload doesn’t include a seminar on “looking off the safety”). Palmer returns to lead a still-explosive offense, and Vick sits on the bench, discussing the finer points of being human garbage with Chris Henry. League minimum salary and access to Skyline Chili is a better fate than he deserves. And he might actually get it.

Number 3: The Detroit Lions

A tradition of losing, dwindling fan support and quarterback issues in a Rust Belt town. Cincy and Detroit are eerily similar, aren’t they? Things are so desperate for the Lions that they gave the ball to a chubby retired guy after having him on the team for less than a week. So there’s certainly need. Plus the real possibility of going 0-16 for the season may drive the general manager-less Lions to a desperate and deplorable option.

The fly in the Dogfighter-Comes-To-Detroit ointment is that the Lions are likely getting the first overall pick in the 2009 draft. That means they can have their pick of top flight quarterback recruits - say, a Matthew Stafford or a Sam Bradford. Culpepper has one more year on his deal, and his role is simply that of a stopgap until a new franchise guy gets picked. The Lions may be desperate enough to give the ball to a rookie next year, but may not be desperate enough to hand it to an ex-con that’s been out of the game for two years. Well, almost out of the game.

Number 2: The Dallas Cowboys

Three factors are at work in the Big D.

1. Jerry Jones is a lunatic and takes shots on cancers like Pacman Jones.

2. Brad Johnson’s ghastly performance this year guarantees that the ‘boys will either select or post bail for a back-up quarterback for 2009.

3. Jerry Jones is a lunatic and takes shots on cancers like Pacman Jones.

Can’t you imagine Vick wearing the blue star? I know I can.

Number 1 (aka The Almost Certain Future Home Of Ron Mexico): The Oakland Raiders

There are no words that could describe how much of a mess Oakland is right now. Just Google Image Search Al Davis. That guy’s making the personnel decisions. He holds “measurables” in the highest regard and doesn’t take into account things like “character” and “past criminal activities” into account when building a roster. Plus, the Black Hole is likely the only fanbase in professional football that would accept Vick into the fold without question. That’s not a knock on them per se, so much as a reminder of their baffling passion. The creepy thing is that he could walk into Oakland and at least challenge JaMarcus Russell for the starting job. With an interim coach at the helm and a wacko prepared to comb the depths of the NFL ranks to find a new one, you may see Vick under center with a confused retread on the sidelines telling him to run a draw play.

The problem with professional football is that it’s really hard. It’s so hard that half the teams have some sort of problem with their quarterback. Or quarterback and back-up quarterbacks. Or quarterback, back-up quarterbacks and ownership. With hundreds of millions of dollars floating around in every organization, desperation can drive a team to do crazy things. Once Vick walks out of jail waiving his hands to the assembled media, the countdown starts to the next big crazy thing.

[Business Day One] I Was Ready For Some Football

Serpico — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 16:07:43 +0000

Between 8 p.m. on Saturday and 4 p.m. on Sunday, I watched more football (7 hours) than I slept (6 hours). Not a bad way to live, if you can manage it. I took in a rain-moistened Boston College-Notre Dame game at Alumni Stadium and then a sunny affair at Gillette. The good guys won each. BC, by a score of 17-0, and the Patriots, by a score of 20-10.

Both wins felt good, as wins tend to. But each was particularly important, and the exuberance of the sold out crowds reflected that. Boston College won their sixth straight against the Fighting Irish, becomming bowl eligible for the season. The Patriots are holding on to a share of first place in the AFC East (along with the Jets). A weekend win for each team isn’t the only similarity between the only football programs in town. Both the Eagles and the Pats are 6-3 now, despite early season question marks at the quarterback position. Both teams are playing without a defensive star (Brian Toal and Rodney Harrison, respectively). Both teams are making statements with their young ground games (Harris/Haden at BC, Green-Ellis for NE).

So how is each team going to do down the stretch? BC plays on the road at Florida State and at Wake Forest before coming home to close out the regular season against Maryland. I sincerely hope they win one of those games. The Pats have the Jets, Dolphins, Steelers, Seahawks, Raiders, Cardinals and one more against the Bills. There are two Will-Wins (Seattle, Oakland), two Should-Wins (Cardinals, Bills), and three that really could go either way. As of right now, I’d say that the odds of the Pats having a higher winning percentage than the Eagles is pretty good. But as is the case with football, anything could happen. New injuries to each team (BC lost their fullback, the Pats lost Adalius Thomas) will test them down the line. Regardless of what the rest of the season brings for each, I was thrilled I got to see two passionate fanbases watch their team take their sixth win.

Let’s go Patrigles.

[Business Day One] The Rough Stuff

Serpico — Mon, 03 Nov 2008 16:27:45 +0000

Only one good thing happened in my sports life this weekend - The Giants beat the Cowboys. Eli looked sharp and didn’t do anything silly, and the defensive line put pressure on to force interceptions. Beautiful win by one of the two best teams in football - reminded me of my youth in Jersey during the Phil Simms era.

Unfortunately for me, Boston College lost, the Patriots lost and my fantasy football team is about to lose it’s third straight. It was enough to drive me to yoga. I needed to center myself and control my delirious rage, and it was a lot of downward dogs and shavasanas. By the way, “shavasana” means corpse pose. I found it appropriate after I started feeling like BC’s season is dead.

The good is never worth the bad as a sports fan. Losses hurt more than wins sooth. Yet we always come back. Even those that say “to heck with it, I’m done with sports” are back at the beginning of the next season. All the moaning in Chicago this offseason is worth nothing, since the crowds will return to Wrigley as they always do. My deep lamentations over my beloved BC Eagles will wash away in time. That’s just how it is. No matter how rough the rough stuff is, we march through it in the hopes that it’ll end.

This is what I need to remind myself, and this is what you all need to remind yourself of. If you’re not ready for the brutality of investing yourself in something that you know will hurt you, you’re not ready to be a sports fan.

[Business Day One] Hey!

Serpico — Mon, 27 Oct 2008 18:48:33 +0000

-Hey Matt Cassel, just keep on doing what you’re doing.

-Hey Cole Hamels, let’s get this series over with so we can all stop pretending to care.

-Hey Singletary, everyone in the NFL but you is a jerk.

How Did I Not Know?

Serpico — Thu, 23 Oct 2008 19:02:53 +0000

Will Carson Palmer hurt, Bengals Nation has been getting a heaping helping of Harvard alum Ryan Fitzpatrick. If he doesn’t work out (apparently, they didn’t teach him how to throw at Harvard), then Cincy can start a different Palmer.

That’s right, the Bengals have Carson Palmer’s younger brother Jordan on roster. And I didn’t know. And here I thought I was a sports fan. Check it out. We’ve got the older brother. And the younger brother. They even look alike! How can you not love this team?

[Business Day One] Shaken Faith

Serpico — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 15:12:59 +0000

The prevailing emotion in Boston today isn’t anguish. Aaron Boone was anguish for Boston. Brady-out-for-the-year was anguish. Last night, a good team lost to a great team. It happens all the time. Lowell was out, Varitek got old and Ortiz was playing with one arm. Pluckiness got them to game 7, but pluckiness alone can’t win it.

Personally, I thought the Gods of Sport would wield their divine power to drive both the Red Sox and Dodgers into the World Series and create the greatest storyline of the last ten years. But the Gods crapped the bed, and The Los Angeles Dodgers of Los Angeles wimpered and fell. I should’ve known that They would not do any favors for the Sox.

Now the world braces for the excitement of a Phillies/Rays World Series. I don’t like Philadelphia because the city is awful and I don’t like the Rays because I just don’t like the Rays. I have absolutely no interest in watching the World Series, and I plan on actively avoiding it or any references to it.

For 90% of the country, the countdown has begun until Pitchers and Catchers.

[Business Day One] Lost Seasons And House Money

Serpico — Mon, 13 Oct 2008 16:14:46 +0000

I said Matt Cassel would be “fine” this season, and so far, he’s been just that. Not great. Not awful. Just fine. His stats so far support the assertion that’s he’s a perfectly average backup quarterback. Three touchdowns to four interceptions and a rating around 80. He’s playing exactly like a guy told specifically not to screw anything up. The trick is that each mounting loss will upset the merciless Boston sports media more and more, despite Cassel playing within his particular gameplan. Despite the fact that this loss could be hung on the cornerbacks as much as the quarterback, many fans (and the sports reporters that pander to them) don’t care so much about Deltha O’Neil and Ellis Hobbs as they do about the guy that replaced Tom Brady.

But I don’t think townsfolk with pitchforks are showing up at Gillette any time soon. Boston fans are an impatient bunch sometimes, but they’re not stupid. No one will demand Cassel be shackled and kept on the sidelines, since anyone who knows anything about Patriots football knows that no one else on roster can throw the ball. Backups-to-the-backup Matt Gutierrez and Kevin O’Connell aren’t the answer this season, and the drop-off from Brady to Cassel or anyone else will not be narrowed by any means. The fans know this, the media accepts this (though I’m sure they’ll write stories to the contrary when the Bills open up a three game lead in the division), and so this season has essentially become a “we’ll take anything” kind of season.

The Patriots are playing with house money now. With Brady down, everyone I know that owns a jersey with his name on it threw up their hands and lamented the soon-to-be 6-10 season. Anything above that is a pleasant surprise. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if I see a town of rah-rahs if 9-7 and a wild card berth becomes the reality in a few months. Thankfully for everyone, the Sox are still alive in the playoffs. That’ll make any grim twists of fate go down a bit easier.

[Business Day One] Losers Aren’t Lovable

Serpico — Mon, 06 Oct 2008 15:47:51 +0000

I hate the term “lovable loser.” There’s no such thing nowadays. As ticket prices go up, players garner larger salaries, and championship droughts extend even further, fans have less and less patience with basement dwelling teams.

See that guy? That’s Matt Millen, former GM of the Detroit Lions. No one loves him. Not even his family. He is the ultimate type of unloved: hated in his own city and irrelevant everywhere else. His buffoonery over the years (horrendous drafting, questionable contracts, upsetting mustache) has not caused Detroit diehards to suddenly starting hating the team, since that’s not how fandom works. But he caused them to hate him specifically. The team itself (that is, the collection of laundry that people root for), never gets the hatred. It’d be like hating a building for the people inside of it. When times get tough, fans target a single loser or a group of losers, and start hating on them in force. “Fire Such-And-Such” Websites pop up, message board posters fire off tirades about lazy players and season ticket holders show up to the stadiums with bags on their heads. And that’s what I find so interesting about fans of a consistently terrible team; they could hate every single player, coach and owner, but they’ll never hate the team.

I suppose, in that regard, the uniforms themselves are the lovable losers. The people wearing them aren’t. The owners that put them on the players aren’t. But the poor numbered shirt, forced to clothe the inept and poorly managed, are the things that fans have sympathy for. I don’t feel bad for 0-for-the-century Kosuke Fukodome, but I do take pity on his uniform. It’s so reviled it’s even a curse word in some places.

I find myself wondering what it would be like to be able to say “Aww, it’s alright. Those lovable scamps will get them next game.” That question comes from the same part of my mind that wonders what it would be like to shop at a general store or receive an ice delivery from a refridgerated truck. I kind of like being so passionate about something that I can hate someone that tries to harm it. I hate Hank Steinbrenner, for instance, and that makes me stronger. Before their Super Bowl win, I hated Eli Manning, Jeremy Shockey, the ghost of Tiki Barber and most of the offensive line, but it somehow made my love of the Giants more intense. I think the sports culture of our finest sports cities would be lessened if the tradition of the “there’s always next time” mentality came back. Hating on things is almost as fun as loving them.

The Century Club

Peiser — Sun, 05 Oct 2008 05:28:18 +0000

One hundred years. One hundred (100) years is a very long time. Not if you’re Methuselah, sure, but for the rest of us it’s an almost unfathomable length of time, a stretch which goes far beyond our years on this lonely island Earth. When someone says “100 years ago,” the odds are good that you’ll not remember what they speak of, as you were not around a century ago. So in the interest of historical framing, here’s a brief look at things which are not of the last century:

An American Civil War (well over 100 years, but hey, the Union is strong)

Inventing the car- no wait, even later than that, introducing the Model T. (Almost exactly 100 years ago!)

The Tunguska Blast (Many Shuvs and Zuuls knew what it was to roast in the depths of the Slor that day!)

The Cubs winning the World Series.
Alright, fine, we’re still 9 days off from it “officially” being a century, but the frustrations of the Cubs and their faithful (read: stupid) fans have, as of twenty minutes ago, reached the heights of unimaginable legend. The only professional sports franchise in the country with a century between championships. Truly, something to celebrate.

If you’re a Dodgers fan.

[Business Day One] On The Firing Of Coaches

Serpico — Mon, 29 Sep 2008 15:42:38 +0000

Let me just cut to the meat of it today. When a team’s ownership fires a head coach, particularly midseason, the ownership does not expect the firing to suddenly make the team better. A firing is meant to do a lot of things, but improve play on the field is not one of them. A firing, like, say, Scott Linehan’s, will have the following effects:
1) It shows the fanbase that the ownership is “serious” about getting the best possible product on the field (despite the fact that the coach wasn’t the one failing to stop opposing defensive ends from murdering the quarterback).
2) It shows the media that the ownership recognizes the team is underachieving and is, in some way, responding to the criticism.
3) It reminds people that the ownership can not fire itself for the poor operational decisions it has made over the years.

Remember when Willie Randolph got the axe in June? Did that improve the team? If so, why will they be spending the playoffs the same way I am (as a spectator)? Does Wretched Living Skeleton Al Davis think letting Lane Kiffen go will suddenly cause all of Oakland’s problems to go away? Not at all.

I cannot make this clear enough. Coaches aren’t fired to make a team better. That’s not how it works. Anything owners say about “new directions” or “opposing viewpoints” is garbage. Know that they’re lying to you and know also that if your team gets its head cut off halfway through the season, the problems that caused it aren’t any closer to being solved.

[From The 'Oh Damn' File] - Sept 26

Serpico — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 14:15:41 +0000

Everytime I see something sports-related that makes me say “Oh, Damn,” I’m putting it up here.

Oh, damn. Lil Wayne is blogging about sports now.

Oh, damn. How about them Beavers?

Oh, damn. Phil? Phil Hughes? Is it really you?

[Business Day One] Wrecking Ball

Serpico — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 15:15:06 +0000

I didn’t make it to Yankee Stadium this year, and I didn’t feel too terrible about it. I’m not going to miss the Stadium for the same reason I don’t miss houses I once lived in. When you pack up your things and drive it somewhere else, you are saying goodbye to where you once were. Home is where the heart (or your team) is, not where it once was.

The new Yankee Stadium, for all of its behind-the-scenes illegality (whoops!), is going to be a heck of a place to watch a ballgame. Hopefully, it won’t smell like a urinal and have a limited selection of disgusting food like the old Yankee Stadium. Yes, the old one has countless amazing, culturally significant moments spread over decades and viewed by millions. But, well, the building’s being demolished. And a new one is almost done next door, and it’ll be fantastic. It will be a place of mystique and wonder, that will breed countless Yankee fans for the next 50 years.

I think it’d be a greater tribute to my favorite team to go to that stadium and buy a $15 seat than scramble into the old stadium for one last $12 seat.