Category: Basketball

[Business Day One] Game Six Wish List

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Since Dick Bavetta led Los Angeles to victory with a dozen assists (and a couple of gritty rebounds), there will be a Game Six in Boston on Tuesday.  This Lakers-Celtics NBA Finals will wear on for at least one more game.  And I need to make my hopes for it known.  This isn’t an entry so much as a plea to the Gods of Sport.  And to them, I pray today:

 

Gods of Sport, please allow Kevin Garnett to hang 25 points (including eight in the final four minutes) and 15 rebounds on the Lakers, thus removing his “wilts under pressure” stigma.

 

Gods of Sport, please empower the Celtics fans to come up with more hurtful and offensive chants to direct at Kobe Bryant.

 

Gods of Sport, please sooth and refresh the various ailing joints of Kendrick Perkins, Rajon Rondo and Paul Pierce, that they may do your will.

 

Gods of Sport, please give Pau Gasol the grains and wild greens he needs to survive.

 

Gods of Sport, please inspire the New Kids on the Block to hold a free concert on the Boston Common if the Celtics win.

 

Gods of Sport, please let Boston finish this.

[Business Day One] Finals Puns

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I walked from Roberto Clemente Field to Central Square yesterday at around 5 o’clock.  Thousands in red were leaving the city, taking Comm. Ave, Mass. Ave, Storrow or the Red Line.  Thousands in green were entering the city, taking Mem. Drive, Cambridge Street or the B, C, and D Lines.  The day shift was done and the night shift was beginning.  Not a bad day to be wandering the town after a kickball game.

Anyway, I’ve decided to help all of the Suddenly Celtics or Look At Them Lakers fans with today’s post.  Many of you, particularly those wearing the fresh-off-the-hanger Kevin Garnett jersies, have not been following the sport of basketball long enough to be able to offer pointed commentary during the Finals. ??????? ??? ???   Do not worry, friends, because thanks to the power of the pun, you can save face in front of more die-hard fans.  Whenever a player does something well, just look up his name on the handy chart below and say the phrase next to it! ???? ???? ????? ??? ????

If You’re A Celtics Fan
Ray Allen – “His shooting hand is so hot they should call him ‘Heat Ray.’”
P.J. Brown – “What can ‘Brown’ do for us? ??? ???? ?? ???????   Give us quality minutes off the bench!”
Kevin Garnett – “He’s certainly a KG (cagey, nyuk nyuk nyuk) guy on defense.”
Eddie House – “He’s a brick, bah na na na, Eddie House!”
Kendrick Perkins – “I took this job for the Perk-ins!”
Paul Pierce – “He knows how to Pierce the opponent’s zone defense!”
James Posey – “Posey’s really come into bloom in the second half.”
Leon Powe – “You’ve just been ‘Powe’ned!”
Rajon Rondo – “In life, you’re either a Rondo or a Rondon’t.”

If You’re A Lakers Fan
Kobe Bryant – “Beefy!”
Jordan Farmar – “If he penetrates off the dribble, he’ll really go Far…mar.”
Derek Fisher – “Truly, he is the Fisher King.”
Pau Gasol – “He’s no Pau man’s Gasol!”
Chris Mihm – “Mihm’s the word!”
Lamar Odom – “He’s Def and Odom!”
Vladimir Radmanovic – (if you have a friend named ‘Vic) “Vladimir is Rad, man.  Oh, Vic, can you pass the chips?”
Ronnie Turiaf – “No wonder he runs so fast.  He’s playing on Turiaf.”
Sasha Vujacic – “That play was cic.”
Luke Walton – “What cool hands on that Luke!”
 

Feels dirty, right?  Well, bandwagoners, you should feel dirty!

For Love Or Money

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A friend of mine bought a special package of tickets for this basketball season – games 2 and 7 of any Celtics playoff series. So far, it’s worked out remarkably well for him.

I was watching the final game of the Detroit/Boston series with him at a bar on Friday and the subject came up, as these things sometimes do. “It must be tough,” I said. “You want the Celtics to win, but you wouldn’t mind if it goes seven games.” Meanwhile, for those who want to put a wager on this series, they can easily do so on sites such as Betend.

“Actually, I want it to go to seven games,” my friend said. Before my jaw could properly gape, he added, “I would then sell my two tickets for ten thousand dollars.”

I can’t fault his math. If anything, $10,000 for two tickets to game 7 of the first Celtics title shot in twenty years falls on the conservative side. But is this the behavior of a true fan?

On the one hand, you’ve got the die-hards who’d insist on being there, in the sweat and din and stink of it, screaming themselves hoarse at the Garden as Paul Pierce bricked yet another layup. Having been to a few dire close games on the college level, I can only imagine how much the intensity ratchets up on the pro level. That’s a game to make sure you hit.

On the other hand, you could only share that experience with, at most, one other person and a row full of strangers. Choosing the friend you take could spark any number of bitter rivalries. How about this: take the $10,000 you get for your Game 7 tickets, spend $500 on a keg and catering, and invite 20 of your friends over to watch the game. I guarantee you’d have a good time.

I put it to you, Nerds on Sports Readers: if you had 2 tickets to the game of the decade, would you give them up for $10,000? How about $50,000? $200,000? A cool $1,000,000? What’s the price of your fandom?

[Business Day One] The Championship Analysis

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The pundits weigh in, as they always do.  But I don’t trust pundits.  They said the Celtics would lose to the Pistons in six, and we proven wrong as Boston battled to a series win in six.  Pundits say all kinds of things, and we believe them despite the fact that their credentials involve a degree in journalism and watching slightly more basketball than the average diehard.

Well, screw them.  Screw them, and to heck with us for trusting their opinion.  Forty-something white men don’t know jack about what’s going to happen on the hardwood this week.  The game has too many moving parts and relies too much on questionable foul calls and suddenly hot shooting hands to be predicted with any sort of certainty.  I’ve never heard of a sports bookie quitting the business because his customers got it right too many times.

So, as an alternative to these men masquerading as fortune-tellers, I have devised a different way to predict what will happen in the NBA Finals.  The difference, however, between me and the gurus is that I am not going to try and convince you that my logic makes any sense.  I used five Celtics/Lakers prediction methodologies to determine how this thing would end.  Let’s jump in, shall we? 

A Coin Flip – Celtics are heads, as they are from Boston, the education capital of the world.  Lakers are tails, since California looks like a well-sculpted butt. 

Result: Tails, Lakers 

A Game Of Smash Brothers: Brawl – I played as the Celtics (Marth, a heady defensive minded player), and set the computer to Lakers (Fox on Very Hard, a shoot-first guy with a lot of range). 

Result: Marth, Celtics 

Last Thing On The Plate – I ate a cobb salad for dinner yesterday, and decided that if the last thing on my plate was a Celtic-green piece of lettuce, then Boston gets a point.  If it was anything else, Lakers. 

Result: Chunk of bacon, Lakers 

Ashmont/Braintree – I either take an Ashmont Train or a Braintree Train to work in the morning.  Ashmont was Lakers, Braintree was Celtics. 

Result: “This is a Braintree Train.  Braintree.  Please stand clear of the doors.  They will be closing,” Celtics 

A Tradition of Baseball Success – I was unsure of who had a better record, the Los Angeles Dodgers or the Boston Red Sox.  What?  It’s the NL West.  Who cares?  So I looked it up. 

Result: Red Sox (apparently the Dodges are under .500, who knew?), Celtics 

After tabulating the scores, it looks like 3 out of the 5 measures I used came up for the Celtics.  How about that?  Looks like another championship is coming to Boston.  To see how many games it’ll take for the East squad to beat the West squad, I used the “Random” Function in Microsoft Excel. 

=RANDBETWEEN(4,7) 

Result: 7, Celtics in 7
 

Looks to be an exciting series!  Place your bets, everyone.

Will June’s Final Teams Bring Back The Magic?

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The 1988 NBA Finals remains one of the greatest championships ever.

Why don’t we rank the best NBA Finals?

You can’t walk a straight line in bookstores without stumbling over some Greatest Super Bowls tome or The Fall Classic: We Remember solemnly poking out from the shelves. The NBA’s championship is far more suspect, the nature of the game makes seven taut games nearly impossible. Stars, or even simply good players, on a championship team account for 20+% of a team’s output on the court. Losing that for one game mostly ensures defeat. Home court is also advantageous for an NBA team in the playoffs more than hockey (where just playing seems to be the important thing), football (no home advantage in a Super Bowl), or even baseball (pitching matchups dictate advantages). Look at the New Orleans – San Antonio series, with seven grueling games providing a dinghy’s worth of highlights. Every other game was a blowout, double digit homecourt slapping, while only Game Seven met its classic billing, where a road team actually won a close game. Jannero Pargo missed a 3 pointer to tie the game up with two minutes left, Tony Parker glided over a Tim Duncan screen and stroked a j, and that was the whole piñata. The final result exists like some propaganda; the Spurs only won because someone told you they did. Who are you to remember any of it? Read More

Corrections, Retractions and Apologies

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When your Nerds On Sports columnist screws up, the error is admitted immediately. Or whenever we need to fill some space.

Thus: I was wrong about Kevin Garnett:

All the rage in Boston today is over the late night Kevin Garnett trade. And I’m certainly excited for Boston to get him – devil knows the Celtics could use anything up to and including Boston College-level point shaving to get a winning season again.

But apparently, you can get one player in exchange for “five players and two draft picks” and still come out ahead on the deal.

This makes no sense to me. It doesn’t even read right. Imagine Bill Belichick trading eleven players and the second and third round draft picks in exchange for Carson Palmer. Imagine Billy Beane trading his first, second and third basemen for Tom Gorzelanny.

Joke’s on me, apparently, because one player does in fact make all the difference if that player’s name is Kevin Garnett. The Celtics climbed from the basement (this time last year) to championship contenders, playing the Cavaliers tonight.

And it’s all thanks to KG. Credit the man for being in the top ten of Eastern conference rebounders. He’s also brought a new level of professionalism to the clubhouse, with his sunny smile contrasting the legendary sullenness of Paul Pierce.

So nice work, Celtics, and good luck against LeBron. I’m glad to be wrong about you.

Don’t Be Stupid

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Kobe Bryant is towering above this metaphor

So I got hired here to blog up some NBA, and I’m sipping my Sprite and glazing over some boring Rays-Sox slapfight. Son, that just ain’t right. Flip. Let’s break these series down into some categories, for your viewing pleasure.

DOESN’T MEAN A DAMN THING, BUT IT’S FUN TO WATCH:

76ers 2, Detroit 1. Well, I’m assuming, as right now the Philly Phive are phinishing off the Phistons after a lackluster Game Phree. The key to this series is whether or not Detroit gives a shit. Since the Celtics finished them off in a March smackdown, they’ve coasted like Winston at the end of 1984: just waiting for the bullet to the head. They may end up ducking Boston by crapping out here. They’ve been pretty schizophrenic. In their one win, they had balanced scoring between Richard Hamilton, Tayshaun Prince, Sheed, and Antonio McDyess. In their losses one man is carrying the load (Wallace had 24 in Game One, Rip 23 in Game Three). ????? ???? McDyess broke his nose at the Wachovia Center which took him out; like the Pistons, he couldn’t stop the bleeding. My guess is he’ll borrow a mask from Hamilton for Game Four and tough it out.

As far as Philly is concerned, the rebound margin is bringing them all that sweet sweet playoff nectar. They had 45 and 43 boards in their victories. Additionally, Mazel Tov to Samuel Dalembert, whose 22/16 done grew him up tonight. Against a good defensive team — which the Pistons are, despite their aging and lapses — second chance points make all the difference. If the Sixers can get a strong effort out of borderline star Andre Iguodala in Game Four, their crowd and bench could make the difference. Detroit has been getting undue respect all season; there’s no chance they’re winning three in a row with their on/off switch. At least Philly fans will have warmer weather to celebrate when they crumble in round two. Read More