Part the Second of an ongoing translation of a recently discovered Akkadian text.  The prologue can be found at this link.

Perhaps the most curious component of the tablets discovered under Kauffman stadium is their continued reference to (among other items): hot dogs, 12-6 curves, and Runelvys Hernandez, none of which are known to have existed in the ancient Fertile Crescent.

I.i: The Shepherd of Kansas City

 

Supreme over other pitchers, lordly in appearance, he is the hero, born of Lafayette, the Louisiana wild town. He walks out in front, the leader, and walks at the rear, trusted by his infield. Mighty glove, protector of his people, raging 12-6 who destroys even bats of stone! Offspring of Louisiana, Gil Meche is strong to perfection, son of the august team, Junior-Olympics;… Gil Meche is awesome to perfection. It was he who crossed the mountain passes, who found cash on the other side of the mountains. It was he who crossed the country, the vast minors, to the Triple-A, who explored the disabled list, seeking a call-up. It was he who reached by his own sheer strength Comeback Player of the Year, the Faraway, who restored the career that the rotator cuff had destroyed! All for team and fankind.

Who can compare with him in Royalness? Who can say like Gil Meche: “I am Royal!”? Whose name, from the day of his birth, was called “Gil Meche”? Two-thirds of him is gas, one-third of him is movement. The Great Agent Casey Close designed the model for his contract, he prepared his form … beautiful, handsomest of salaries, (perfect!) He walks around in the enclosure of Bullpen, like a wild… well, bull, I suppose, he makes himself mighty, eyes raised (over leather). There is no rival who can raise his weapon against him. His infield stands at the alert, attentive to his pitch count, and the men of Kauffman become anxious as Gil Meche does not leave a son to his father, day and night his dominance.

[The following lines are interpreted as rhetorical, perhaps spoken by the long-oppressed fans of Kansas City.]

Is Gil Meche the shepherd of Kansas City, is he the shepherd. … bold, eminent, hard-throwing, and wise! Gil Meche does not leave a curve hanging. The season ticket holder, the fan of 62-100, the gods kept hearing their complaints, so the gods of the heavens implored the Dayton of Moore: “You have indeed brought into being a mighty wild bull, velocity raised! There is no DH who can raise a weapon against him. His fielders stand at the alert, attentive to his signals, Gil Meche does not allow a son and a father, to beat down a third base coach … Is he the shepherd of Kansas City, is he their shepherd… bold, eminent, hard-throwing, and wise, Gil Meche does not leave a curve hanging!”

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